"can you see the fading sun?"

2009-10-28T17:12:00.002+08:00

moved.

2007-08-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

Mummy left this morning with Ruran, yes it's rather.. sad.
I hate how on the last day, she decides to get herself attached to me.

But, what's another few weeks right? :)

This blog will still be open, but not in use.
Change your links - thanks for taking note. <3

guess who's back, back again.

2007-08-23T17:04:00.000+08:00

This was taken AFTER she'd woken up from her nap; AFTER mummy came back from lunch with my aunt; AFTER I'd cleaned her up & changed her; AFTER she'd cried her lungs out upon discovering I, & not her mom, was next to her;
AFTER she'd thrown up all over my front.

Lucky I was wearing the hotel bathrobe - I love my tee shirt to death & if it reeked of the aftermath of chocolate biscuit vomit, I think I'd cried together with her & we'd been kicked out of the hotel for creating a huge ruckus.

She act cute only, but what a rascal.

So mummy brought me to NYDC yesterday night for a chat, and turned out to be a long, heartfelt one at that too, up to the point where we both were crying. Thing is, I DON'T CRY. Ask anyone, and they'll tell you.. maybe I do, but not very often. Other people cry, not me. & definitely not my mom. In my whole six years of having known her, I've only seen her cry THRICE, & those were major events, like Pu' passing away two years back. So it was a pretty major deal.

Plus there was a really hot waiter there, & it was really embarassing even though I wasn't bawling or anything but, STILL.

See, it's not easy talking to your stepmom about yourself, when firstly you don't even know much about yourself and secondly, it's just abit weird. Maybe not for other people, but our relationship'd started out really rocky; with her discovering my diary with "I HATE THAT BITCH" written on several pages (& it's purely her fault for snooping, but I apologised nonetheless). & now, she's partially my confidante. Or somewhat like it, she expects to be it anyway. & it was amazing how I could actually find words to describe/tell her yesterday, that I found myself actually saying words that I never intend to say until a long time down the road. Sometimes she amazes me, I actually amazed myself, and last night ended off really good :) Daddy took us for drinks after, & I knocked myself out with double vodkas of anything, but I still couldn't sleep well cos I was cramped on the hotel couch, freezing like no one's business & kept awake by male snoring, =/

Anyhow, dinner's at Monkeys tonight - the irony of being there when I'm not working. And, I need to find a new job; I shall go job hunting come next week!

AND GUESS WHAT, EXAMS HAVE ENDED SO NOW I HAVE SEVEN FUCKING WEEKS OF FREEDOM - which leaves me time to grow fat & be a sloth despite working, haaaaaaaaaa :D

Call me out darlings, I've been missing people more than anything.

xx.

a short distraction, to say..

2007-08-19T00:46:00.000+08:00

OH MY GAWD THE TODDLER IS SO CUTE,
I CAN SQUISH HIM TO A MILLION GAZILLION PIECES.
but then the video gets retarded at around 02:05.

oh well, Happy Birthday anyway, Nur Aini.
You're 19 now.
Time to start acting like it. :D

<3.

high - yehr- tus.

2007-08-16T21:37:00.000+08:00

♥

Fri 160807 0830-1030hrs: Micro Economics
Mon 200807 0830-1030hrs: Accounting For Assets
Tue 210807 0830-1030hrs: Statistical Methods Of Business
Wed 220807 0830-1030hrs: Principles of Management

♥

♥

"If I could be a Kennedy
If I could be a real heartbreaker
I'd watch you crash into my arms
with the stars, into the barrel of a gun -
And die young."

♥

so "a" likes "b" but maybe "b" likes "c" - so what happens to "c"?

2007-08-15T22:36:00.000+08:00

HAHA OKAY PARDON MY FAT THIGHS,
apparently wearing black doesn't help much :D

I snacked at night for the first time in months (or at least it feels so) - fucking hell yeah wow, yeah I know I actually went for a whole hour thinking it wouldn't kill me just this once; I'll just cut down & balance on calories tomorrow. Just that I can't keep up with this mentality any longer, cos then it's just total suicide. Haha, how superficial. But I guess everyone's like that - even you; don't lie, it's proven that everyone's at least 30% superficial, and half the people in my life are 70% so anyway.

Okay you know, I actually had quite a fair bit to blog about & this page has been open since two hours ago but it's been 3/4 blank the whole way because interesting people keep popping online, haha HELLO! :) I love talking to people. Or when people talk to me. Even when I appear "busy" or "away" & yes I do get irritated sometimes because it's clear that I'm either one of those, but then still, its a nice feeling.

Right? Right.

I should stop drinking black coffee every morning, my voice is growing hoarser (or more hoarse?) by the day & it irks me cos I have to clear my throat every 5 minutes so I end up sounding like a drag queen.

& oh okay so just five minutes ago I got a heads up about a date with my Econs tutor at 10.50am tomorrow, but I'm sharing him with 5 other girlfriends.

What the fuck, why so earlyyyy. :(

so maybe i won't. but it'll kill you less than it would me.

2007-08-15T01:54:00.001+08:00

See if I had a polaroid camera, the one that develops the photo within ten seconds of being taken, I could've shot your look of contempt. That expression that anyone can easily intepret as hatred, or something close to that. Then when the photo's printed, I can just stare at it for the longest time, trying to decipher whether you really meant it and desperately hoping you didn't. And then maybe wonder for a minute, whether you knew what being hurt really meant when you'd uttered that you were so just five minutes ago, because if you did then we'd be on the same page, after everything you've thrown at me too.

Fuck, it tastes like damn cigarettes in my mouth & I haven't touched any, hell no. My throat's acting up again too, I want to cough but there's nothing to cough out yet I can feel/taste the icky mucus that's being excessively secreted right now for no reason - bleargghhhh.

Today was fun, though. :)

<3.

stop the bullshit,

2007-08-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

I'd thrown most of any faith or hope out way before anyway.
thought maybe there was some left (? - rhetorically asking)
but fuck, no.

weirder than ever, each night.

2007-08-13T18:28:00.000+08:00

I had a nightmare last night; Mom spiralled downwards a psychotic state of mind & went on a killing spree, killing everyone that I've come across in life with a knife, a shotgun, her own hands. Her husband, her children, my grandparents & I were spared a bit of mercy compared to the rest, whom she gunned down while we were lining up to be killed. No escape, I heard the shot that killed grams.

After which my mom turned to me, & said with glazed cold eyes: "Your turn comes tomorrow."

I woke up two hours late for studying because of this.

But NOTHING comes in the way between me and my coffee, even if I wake up past noon & my digestive system is overturned & lagging, I LOVE COFFEE BEAN'S DAILY BREWS, regular-sized & plain black, thank you very much.:)

I need to revamp my mp3.
I need new songs.
I need to study Econs.
I am comfortable in my flipflops and oversized sweater, even if I'm at the heart of Orchard.

mais calme, je suis hereux :)

2007-08-13T01:36:00.000+08:00

Last time I came was Rodin's showcase, which was years ago actually. Such disconnection. Taking time off from the real world in an art museum's my idea for a Sunday, plus it being a lazy one today was a major plus so not many people were around. From gallery to gallery; I liked how invisible I felt, floating through eras & different concepts of art pieces for a whole hour plus. No disturbance, no thoughts about exams, but the echo of your own footsteps following you through every hall. Affandi's showcase was breathtaking & disturbing, with the self portrait & "Death" to boot. Stopped by the auditorium for Vivian Noni's 2 hour mini jazz concert, though not the whole thing. There's something about old grandfatherly men playing flamenco & jazz on guitars that puts a mile's length of a peaceful smile on your face.

All this of course, after completing two Stats exam papers! :) I've found the perfect place where no one really goes to cos it's in the middle of an area which you have to walk to & under such sweltering heat today, not many people bothered. Contemplated sitting in for mass at the Good Shepherd's Church for abit though for no particular reason but to listen to the preaching of the world's good & bads, of people's faith & sins, to put some perspective in me. It'd be interesting don't you think? Though ironic, because I haven't stepped into a mosque even since 1999 I'm pretty sure.

And then its off to Home Club.

Pink because I'm underaged,
but the tag slipped right off my wrist without much effort
& I copy-stamped my wrist from Syafiq's. Whoots.

Mr. I'm-not-parting-with-my-frickin'-$12-so-I'm-just-gonna-sit-outside-here Sean.
(Tyng, this is your friend.)

Some people call this "artistic";
I call it "itchy hands" during a camwhore moment.

The ONLY guy I know that admits to loving having an ass,
because he thinks his is saggy now, after quitting track. =x

(post picture)
Safith: "Let me see!"
...
Safith: "See, I cover my face. So it's damn nice."

One word description.

Adelo, you are the coolest ya ya papaya guitarist I know,
with your Zara sweater, puma shoes, sexy eyebrows & all, <3

Even if you smell your pits midway through a solo, HAHA :D

Okay this is just too cool - I SMILED, & didn't end up looking like a retard.
At least I think so anyway.

Today was almost perfect, with my lovely shades to hide behind all the better. :)

TOMORROW IS STATS & ECONS DAY, YAY. :D

spider pig, spider pig.

2007-08-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

Homer is just so delightfully amusing to watch yet painful, because if a person with such stupidity ever comes to exist, I think the rest of the world will cease to.

Today was unproductive in terms of studying, but met up with Erwin for dinner :) Despite, him being an hour late. All of a sudden there was an influx of stories on injuries; him falling from his 1.8m bunk bed to bleeding from his rectum & being airflown to a general hospital somewhere in Japan. And now I'm hearing about the incident when a piece of hot metal burned into his chest while he was doing some welding - Major Ouch.

Howells, early rise & shine awaits me tomorrow for a whole day of studying to make up for the foreseen guilt trip for hitting Home Club after, for ATC's EP launch. :)

Oh & a shoutout to any of my TK lovelies: let's hit school again after 22nd? For lunch, haunt teachers, see Saffy for the first time in months & just for old time's sake. :)

(ooh, notice how my smileys are all aligned. simple amusement at 1.30am.)

<3.

so.

2007-08-11T14:04:00.000+08:00

In the past hour plus, I've found myself to have

drunk instant coffee mixed with chinese herbs.
made instant mashed potato, took a spoonful & gave the rest to Nur Aini.
read the Oprah magazine twice over.
flipped through a dozen books, reading snippets but never completing them.
went down the stairs 11 storeys
went up the stairs 9 storeys, & took the lift for the remaining two
played those stupid but addictive match-3-in-a-row online games, in the forms of cartoon food
played the retarded pre-installed games on my phone until I got frustrated cos I kept dying.
invaded Nur Aini's phone.
played that stupid online game again, and finally died because I got stuck.

if you hadn't realised, I'm extremely bored.

I'd be lying to say that "I can't study" because I can, just that I'm ~~fucktardedly~~incredibly lethargic & can't seem to get my brain gears turning & juices flowing. This is majorly disconcerting because it means I've lost my drive = I might as well just raise my white flag up because I'm screwed three times over.

Maybe I just need lunch, food of any kind. This is where my sister comes in. No matter how much I hate her for being vain & taking years just to get ready for a simple lunc (after which is her tuition - why the hell bother to dress up??) she's the only one that makes me feel real at times. Where's the link from this to lunch, I don't know. But there, I've admitted it. Swallow it up & never remind me of this confession ever.

If you haven't studied, do tell me so I won't feel like the biggest retard in the world. Even if you have, like a million times, just tell me you haven't. You'll make my day, truly.

POM notes, here I come(?)

xxx.

voracious is an understatement.

2007-08-10T11:23:00.000+08:00

Considering I haven't taken a bite of anything at all since 3.30pm yesterday, I declare that I AM VERY HUNGRY. Which is why once Nur Aini gets her vain ass out of her room, I am going through that front door & to City Hall Starbucks for my muffin & morning long black coffee, yum.

I've been isolating myself I think; I haven't been using my phone as much nor have I been going online (even though I usually put myself as "offline", I was still online before, but now kinda rarely) so I haven't been in touch with the ups-&-abouts of other people. Which, when put in perspective is kinda good cos that leaves time for studying right? Sadly I'm only halfway through Econs & I've yet to touch my other modules. How dead am I on a scale of one to ten? Hah.

It's 11.30am. If I don't get my coffee by 12, I'm going to scream.

Spider pig, spider pig
Does whatever a spider pig does
Can it swing, from a web?
No it can't -
it's a PIG
Look out, here comes that Spider Pig.

HAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS SONG I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED IT IN THE MOVIE. I'm going to irritate whoever I can with this, UNTIL they buy for me another Simpsons movie.

I've been having an influx of dreams, all of a sudden. Dreams happen to me at the same rate I take a shit, which is like. Once a week. Or twice, at most.

Other than the usuals, Erwin's back, yay. Time for some hookah. :)

<3.

krunk 2

2007-08-09T15:51:00.000+08:00

I love the feel of pulsating beats running through my veins. The rhythm that you just can't quit moving to, the intense warmth from the trapped body heat, the sweet smell of weed in the air, the movement of 8,000 sweaty bodies moving with you, dancing barefoot on wet sand, the company; the adrenaline rush.

Although I hated the fact that 80% of the girl population there were those skinny twit Ah Lians with fake eyelashes, fake hair & anorexic bodies; constant reminder of how superficial people are - they wore close to nothing to get the attention of guys. Which outnumbered us girls by like, 4:1 ratio I'm not kidding. Dancing with an influx of guys with hot bodies wearing the stupid NUM top, but hot bodies aren't equivalent to good looks, hoho I feel so bitchy, but it was intimidating being in that scene for one whole night.

Nevertheless, I had shit fun :) Saw so many familiar faces & met quite a few familiar people, but left around 4ish cos the music started getting dull again with the same songs playing over, just different remixes. Didn't manage to get my bacardi coke from Sean cos he came back too late & I was bored, so spent the remaining hours waiting for the train service to start just talking & having breakfast with the girls.

24+ hours of no sleep, but the girlfriends from class rocked my world yesterday :)

Beverly, Puma, Wendy <3

we should have more nights like these more often ay, instead of boring classes all the time!

Rae baby, you're still my sexy gyrating partner though, HAHA. YouthEmpire should be sued; major thefts of bags from their "locker system" (which was just the dumping of numbered bags in an enclosed area on the floor) occurred, which I think is an inside job cos security was kinda tight there.

Came back home around 7.45am when it a whole week's worth of rain was pouring down & it was fucking freezing in a skirt & bareback top. Managed to clock in about 9 hours of sleep, & now I'm doomed for major studying else I can consider myself dead for exams.

p/s Happy Birthday Singapore! Though celebrations each year are no different from the rest. I'm sacrificing fireworks tonight for books. Study, nurul. STUDY.

<3.

everything's almost swell, darling.

2007-08-08T10:25:00.000+08:00

I realised I've never gone to a circus before, probably cos they have it here like close to never; the only time I remember an actual circus coming here was Cirque Du Soleil but the tickets were too expensive for me to afford by myself. I always read about circuses in books, or watched them in movies - the elephants, the trapeze artists, the mimes, the firebreathers, the clowns, the shimmer & magic of it all. And then it's all about running away with the circus, where life is of another world, and another place.

I think my childhood was deprived in that sense. I swear I'll bring my future child to a real circus, no matter what it takes.

The ride halfway home from school yesterday was spent with best friend Zack <3, I've missed his weird antiques and the level of comfort that I can immediately slip into, when what I say - even the stupidest of them all - makes sense to him but to no one else.

Anyway, the death of all projects for the semester has come! It's just so FUCKTASTIC to be relieved from endless deadlines, but then it marks the start of intense mugging now.

Studying is being accomplished at a snail's pace, but at least I've started though I know nuts about Accounts! & POM. Lesson learnt from always not bothering to listen in lectures/tutorials, hoho. I've got like what, nine days? DIE.

But KRUNK II tonight, haha fancy me going when I should be studying! But its not like I'm gonna study tonight anyway I don't have enough brain juices flowing. Going with a new crowd, but it's all gonna be good & I have about an hour to shower & dress up, so bye. <3

promise.

2007-08-06T21:29:00.000+08:00

Because it doesn't matter, when we make mistakes, cos there are others to help us turn them around. When we need to cry, there's always at least someone to lend a shoulder and a hug. When we've come to the edge & all we want to do is fall, there's always at least someone to pull us back and remind us that maybe, it's just not the end yet.

Because you can't get rid of me that easy. Because even though we grow up, out & apart from each other, I'm still only eight numbers away from you. You don't even have to talk, I'll still listen. And I'll let you tear me apart to pieces if you need me to, up till the very last piece, just to remind you that I'm still here.

People have been breaking down lately and sometimes I can't reassure them because I'm either too busy with a project, or studying or I'm not having the best of days either. Selfish reasons. It's something like bad karma. But, life goes on. And sometimes that's what sucks cos all you want to do is stop it for abit, so you can clear your head & get your life back on track, just for that moment.

I know, I can't do much or anything, for that matter. But I want to try. <3

you have my attention, but i've lost yours.

2007-08-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

what I go to school for.

I love that boy & girl, to bits & pieces & smithereens.

am loving Liz's expression.

group shot!<3

ooh whee, all these years & more to come.

accidental shot; thanks Nissa for taking my chubby face.

Luqman a.k.a Luke, HAHA

Zam! He turned gay after coming to NYP.

"In the zone", aye.

my dearest girls <3

Baybeats was exhilirating yet lovely at the same time, totally different from last year. Plus, the initial excitement rolling downwards into disappointment & a twinge of regret maybe, which further spiralled downward into a snafued & unstable mindset, and back into the euphoric state of indulging in the goodness of company I was with all throughout the whole thing, both old & new. King Kong Jane made a good starters; Monofone was heart-stopping, being right infront of the speakers & all; Caracal sent shivers all the way up & back. Saw some familiar faces, made some new acquaintances, & those "hi-&-byes" that don't last for more than ten seconds but you still feel good for meeting them there.

Even though Lebinlove got dragged away from us; how I hate people who take advantage of the goodness of others & expects others to wait on them hand & foot - all I can say is I (so badly) want to shove a fork up your skinny ass & turn it three times clockwise.

It was a well spent night after a rather dissatisfying week, so thanks guys - all of you - if I don't say it enough I'll just add it here one more time:
thanks so much; I love y'all crazier than ever. :)

it's just that kinda thing.

2007-08-03T08:59:00.000+08:00

How long ago was THAT picture, ay. Back when we couldn't do shit in Math & spent hours trying to figure out trigo, binomial theorems & transformation over a staple of mentos, reclining in Starbucks @ Eastpoint after having our brains fried, poached & steamed altogether. (We still owe Mrs Diana a cupcake!) Sleeping in class to the lullaby of Ms Lee's "blanches", "bushes" & "denominators", being the good students we were & grabbing the front seats in Miss Lui's class till I dropped A.Math (heh), waffles & coffee dates when we were supposed to be studying, non-stop mugging for Bio, playing phone games during Chem & not bothering to even have a file or do the work given... School wouldn't have been as close to how fun it was if we hadn't ended up in the same class! Even though we'd both initally thought the other was a total BITCH, hey.

and within those years we grew up & slowly found ourselves, from the days of teen angst to realising that life wasn't worth giving much shit about if it was gonna be so dreary all the time. Making up our own ABCs (... PUNANI!), our stupid version of "Heal The World", terrorising Saffy dearest & having morbid fantasies of plucking out Lopez's facial hair.. so many other memories I can't pinpoint cos there's just too many of them.

And next time if you decide to skip your touch rugby camp & need a place to crash.. well I can't offer you mine, but there's always our spot outside Esprit, listening to people whine in the middle of the night, watching old fat guys bring back their girls for the night; & next time taking a picture with a sexy flashy car is a MUST.

Happy Seventeenth Birthday,
Priyathanaa! <3
(you owe me drinks.)

BAYBEATS tonight! I hope it's not gonna be like last year's, when only the company I was with was good but the acts & scene wasn't. Monofone's (HAHA) playing at seven, followed by Caracal! The best was still when Copeland came down to perform both acoustic & on stage in '05, & I was right infront nearest to the speakers on the last night, moshing it up with everyone else.

But tonight's gonna be rad all the same I hope, with Nissa, Tyng, Lebinlove & Liz! Plus my favourite girls Marr & Sharatul for hugs as well? :)

I think I'm slowly not seeing or feeling the point of blogging anymore. This is what the thought of exams being two weeks away does to you.

p/s anyone free on 12th August night, come to Home Club with me?
Amateur Takes Control's EP Launch, $12 for entry. :)

<3.

shades of grey.

2007-08-02T01:36:00.000+08:00

maybe because you're entirely different
that you make me feel unwanted & ignored, at times
when you give me comfort like no one else can,
when you smile
I can't help but smile back.
selfish? perhaps.
but no matter,
I still do.

& that's taking me alot of guts to say.

tummyache.

2007-08-01T10:49:00.000+08:00

I'm currently on the look out for odd jobs during the coming vacays, mainly weekdays cos I doubt I can get out of my job as a cashier/bartender for the weekend.

Please let me know of any, I've already gone for the interview to be a promoter for COMEX on 30th & 31st August & am applying for the Art exhibition coming up in September as well. Money is indeed a dire need for me this coming month; I'm not even sure I have enough allowance left to suffice for me this month, since it's already August now.

Baybeats this weekend, please call me out to go; I will be free after my shift!:)
Singfest & WOMAD - still contemplating both out, the company I'd be with being a huge factor because they're from both ends of the universal plane.

I've been getting back test results, so far they've been pleasing though not a huge "wow" or anything. I just hope I can sustain this standard through out semestrals (which I haven't started mugging for yet).

My hair's dry today & my stomach hurts.
But Simpsons at two though, thank you very much.:)

a break, before getting down to mugging.

2007-07-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

I was at that age when the "pre" in "preteen" was a really huge step; I was no longer 12 but 13, I started wearing low-rise/hipster bootcut jeans, guys were noticing me because of my boobs rather than my personality contrary to what Daddy kept saying, & I discovered a new found love-hate relationship with a certain red monster once every month. Hate, because it was a new thing & it was such a frickin' drag; love, because well, Daddy dearest panicked (him being a single dad then & all) each time I said I had cramps & was practically immobilised, so he'd let me bunk about 2 days of school, or a week at most. Hoho, such manipulation.:)

My room had its walls covered with posters; almost every single INCH, pieces layered over piecies. Started from the Britney poster right smack in the middle of the wall opposite my bed, & it just grew from there till the wall ran out of space & I had to stick on the door, the wall at the head of my bed, and my cupboard, leaving my ceiling blank for those glo-in-the-dark stars. The biggest poster I'd owned was one of Eminem, a present from Daddy, which cost him about a 100 Rand.

Man, that room was a freakin' haven for me. It wasn't big - about 2/3 of my room now. But I had my own balcony, at which I'd escape to in the middle of the night for a cool breeze during autumn, where the moonlit ocean was breathtaking. Even sneaking down to Chanel's house although rarely, because most of the time it was just too dangerous being quite a height up. My first stereo set; it'd be on 24/7, with the likes of hip hop & jazz blasting all day & night. My very own room telephone, granted to me after Nuraini & I had a huge argument over the one in the kitchen.

And when it finally came to the day when we had to leave, I remember just sitting there for nearly two hours straight, locking myself in with Tyger & Sheena for comfort; the bed was gone, the posters had been taken down, there was nothing left but a suitcase, Me, & the two cats on my lap.

And then I realised I never took a picture of my room in the state which I'd loved it, during the whole entire year being in that house.

I'm not sure why I wrote this out, I guess I just like to remember stuff, whether good or bad. And remind myself constantly to keep a solid piece of memory of a place or a person wherever I go, next time.

(I'll be going on hiatus soon, after the 2nd batch of Kuching pictures - sorry it's taking so long but it really is very slow to upload - during which I hope I get into SERIOUS "study mode". Just a heads up.)

x.

"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."

2007-07-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

Can you believe it. That's the last picture I have taken with you - it was ages ago; you're such a slutface. But I love you anyway, even though here & there we know gaps have grown & such. I've watched you go in & out of relationships like underwear, holy jebus man. From the desperado NS fake gangster who claimed/you said is half Thai when he doesn't look shit like one, to the one with the hot red bike who'd meet us in the middle of the night in frickin' Balestier, where it's no haven for two girls to be at 3am. From fetishes with shades to frequent manicure sessions to McDonalds supper; knowing you've been pretty.. interesting, to say the least. Now it's like impossible to even set a proper date to meet, with school & stuff but hey, I'm always here to pick up the pieces for you when you need them to be, & if you lose your phone at 4am again or if you just need someone to have a silent conversation with, I'd gladly hop on the next 21 & come straight down to your place.

Unless of course, you don't mind paying for my cab fare. :)

Happy Birthday, Marr! <3
No hanky panky at the beach tonight, ay. HAHAHA :D

& OH OH OH,

Happy Belated Birthday, Anne Marie! <3
You owe me a date at Parkway, bitch. :)

So many birthdays, so little time/money. Haha. & so happens they belong to old favourite girls of mine :) For a moment I just got reminded of how we were made to wear masking tapes with our names pasted across our boobs if we didn't bring our nametags. They thought it'd knock some sense into us, but little did they know we loveto display our names in HUGE BLOCK LETTERS proudly, ay. HAHA, poor rule got backfired :D

I hope I get to catch up with the girls on Carnival Day; it'd be one hell of a reunion.

p/s Maryam Sakiynah Rozlan, I dedicated one whole chunk of words to you.
You'd better stay free on Monday.

trippin'

2007-07-27T22:48:00.000+08:00

Becoming Insane - Infected Mushrooms

Love their different sound.

Acceptable In The '80s - Calvin Harris.

He bloody invented disco man.

Illusion - Benny Bennasi featuring Sandy

No Matter What You Do - Benny Bennasi

freaky vid.

There's a difference between disco, trance & techno, but most people don't see it. And I'm disregarding the existence of the typical Ah Beng/Lian techno mixes they play around here. The Singapore music scene can be too mainstream at times.

Other than that though, some "excitement" went on at NYP today,

Hey look, I actually smiled, eh!

Fiona Xie was there for an ep of Hey! Gorgeous!, which was ironic because well, both the make & female winners didn't really measure up - I thought the first female deserved it much more, but heyho whatever I don't even speak Chinese.

Plus Fiona Xie had a weird habit of making her head move like a little turkey when it gobbles even when posing for a shot, and continues to do that until the picture's taken. Puma & I couldn't stop laughing, hohoho :D I guess even perfectly pretty people have.. strange & eccentric mannerisms.

Off to watch Hairspray now, tsk to self for supporting online internet tv & not going for the real thing! Though I can't help it, I'm too broke for too many movies at one go.

stay strong, <3.

simple amusement.

2007-07-26T22:11:00.000+08:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

I HATE being sick. Loathe it. Despise it. Abhor it. And every other word existent in the Oxford that's a synonym to that. You get bored, so you either eat, or don't because you feel like puking when you do. Which could jolly well be due to the ridiculous amount of bitter sugarless green tea you've been having - like what, 5 cups? or 6, feels like. And all you wanna do is throw up but nothing'll come out and if you do, all the meds will just come out, which is a total waste BECAUSE I WANT TO GET WELL SOON, BLOODY HELL.

Ironically though, I've eaten more for breakfast + lunch than most days, which is doing me good, but then the kitchen ran out of food fast so I had an apple for dinner & lunch was at frickin 1pm :( Tell me, how can I NOT get gastric?

I've finished The Deathly Hallows though, took up most of the day to pass the boredom. Good book with a twist, but the epilogue was just shit - NINETEEN YEARS LATER, WHAT THE HELL? I shall not spoil it for anyone but, holy jebus man.

OKAY MY HEAD IS HURTING LIKE A BLOODY MOTHER. Its the mix of light & heavy headedness, plus my hands are shaking & my ears are stuffed because my nose is, too. All this, & I STILL have to get up at 9am tomorrow & go to school early for a project.

picture influx: day 2/girls' night out

2007-07-26T13:58:00.000+08:00

Rauth's tooth.

Nong follows us everywhere we go.

I can't remember what's this drink called: the three layers are sugar syrup, condensed milk & tea. I know, how sinful. But it's not sweet, or at least the one at this particular Kopitiam isn't. Ayun & I had a nice long chat here, and it's a change from the scene in Singapore where "chilling out" is at Starbucks or Coffee Bean or TCC & everything's so darn pricey.

Dinner plans were to be at Topspot, a final dinner with my cousin Ngilo before he leaves for college in Miri the next day. Asked Saz to come along, & when she came over to the house it took quite a bit to get over the fact that we FINALLY met after four long years! But it's all good, eh :)

More food came after this,

These are snails, in the same dark sweet sauce they used to cook the cockles with as well. Snails, I tell you. I'm not kidding. You have to suck them out from one corner of the shell. Saz & I had difficulty cos the bloody hawker put empty shells in too, geez. But the flesh inside is like small, so you can't really taste much.

& THIS is Ambal - worms cooked in curry. It doesn't taste that bad really, once you get over the thought that you're masticating a damned worm when you're chewing it, but you taste mostly the curry. Although I didn't go further than eating just one.

The girls & I gave in our white flags & excused ourself from the family with the excuse that we had a movie to watch, & despite Mummy's suspicions, we left with Gagih to go to Star Cineplex for abit.

We really did thought that maybe we could catch a movie hey, but none were showing at the time, so we decided to go somewhere else. Decided on Soho, but it was full out so we headed next door to Grappa's.

Kuching <3

& then we had to pee, but the toilet at Grappa's was just damn filthy, plus Saz & I have no idea how to use a squat toilet (sue us, we're city girls) so we went to nearby Holiday Inn.

That's when I tripped at the small wooden bridge & fell & tore my shoes in the process, though I didn't notice it till the next morning so you can imagine how humiliating that must've been hey.

Then we were off to Mojo's.

Haha, how decent can ladies get, eh.

This is Dan the bartender. Saz got really friendly with him, which benefitted us ALL so hey, we weren't complaining :) He's really nice though, made sure we got into the cab safe when we left after Mojo closed.

JIP, aka Mr. Amsterdam!
His eyes are striking.
& he's got some of the best moves I've ever seen/felt on a guy.

Some Amsterdam lovin'

"Satisfaction." Guaranteed.
Ayun's smashed.

LOL, check out how the light's creating that "halo" effect on her, which is totally ironic. It's her first time ever puffing one, I think. No more, aye. :)

I rolled out of bed after Mummy called at 9 in the frickin AM to go over to Aunt Lydia's & take care of Ruran; eyes bloodshot, head in a frickin' spin & took a piss which lasted forever.

You do NOT disturb a person's sleep who'd just been smashed a mere few hours ago, it leaves a really bad & lasting side effect on the person.

Anyway, school's been shit but at least the projects are done except Econs which was postponed to Monday seeing how I couldn't roll outta bed just now. Down with the flu, a throat infection, gastric, coughs & fever but the latter broke within the past hour so it's all good. I've been going to the toilet alot thanks to the excessive amount of green tea I've been drinking since this morning.

I was given a shitload of meds, so I'm hoping all will work & I'll be dippity do in no time.

Pictures of the second day/night will be up when I'm free enough to wait for all the pictures to load.

Cheerios lovelies. x.

there goes my hero, he's ordinary.

2007-07-24T21:39:00.000+08:00

Don't the best of them bleed it out,
While the rest of them peter out?
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence and race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary.

You're not the perfect one that can be picked off a shelf,
yet I know you try your best, at almost everything you do.
You have your flaws, but I have mine too;
& I wouldn't trade you for any other.

HAPPY 51st BIRTHDAY, DADDY <3

(photos from Kuching will be uploaded once I'm done with the projects due this week, promise!)

blank.

2007-07-22T23:48:00.000+08:00

It's no surprise that I'm sad to be back here, where it's reality and lonely and everything's a sharp bite in the ass. Ironically I feel much more at home in Kuching, with the people I know and love. And even the ones I just met, in the name of fun and their drunken stupors, we all got along and professed our love for each other on the last night, at Mojo's. HAHA.

I felt so touched throughout the night when Saz kept introducing me as her "best friend in Grade 5" and her "old hag"; I've missed her! Things've changed in 4 years of not meeting but we slipped right back into the comfort zone and even went back to finishing each other's sentences & sharing the same thoughts, and tripping at the bridge going to Holiday Inn, falling flat on the ground cos there was a fucking plank missing & tearing my shoes in the process. She is LOVE, I'll never forget her for life. <3

And Rauth kept saying how much he's going to miss me and how much he loves me, that I'm his real sister even though we're not related. He kept tripping over and giving me hugs & kisses and telling me not to go. I love that boy, I wouldn't ask for another brother, despite the constant weed smoking and stoning with Eramine & Ketamine as if they were mentos and coke. I love him more than ever, I'm glad that we're really tight aye.

And Ayun, she's been there throughout. I tell her stuff I don't tell anyone else and she doesn't judge me at all. I tell her my fears, I confide in her my thoughts and I cry to her if I need to, she lends a shoulder whenever she can. When she's about to fall I'm always there to break it. I'm thankful to have her and Nuraini as my sisters. She's my sister for real, and I love her.

It was sad leaving Kuching, knowing Rauth & Rining are leaving for the UAE in August, and not knowing when's the next time I'd be there. Rainfest '08 maybe? That depends. I just love the people there to the core, with these three at the very top.

It's bad, but I like how sometimes when we're all drunk to give a shit, blatant honesty starts pouring out. Sometimes it kills you, most of the time it's heartwarming. Depends, give or take. I realised some things along the way, like how different the crowd is in Kuching compared to Singapore. The differences in extent, that their minds can open to. I can honestly say I felt comfortable with people in Kuching that I've just met, than some that I actually know. That's what sucks, but it's a stabbing realisation.

There was a lump in my throat throughout the flight and I tried to concentrate on the damned book I was reading and when the tears came, I almost made myself believe that it was cos of the book.

Okay, I'm done & over with that.

Thanks to CHAMZ, Frog Boy, Johnny & Dan for sending me off at the airport even though I hardly know you guys & I was rushing! :D

More pictures posts coming up soon! Sorry for delays, but school's back to suck me off and I've got two projects due this week; one which I haven't even started on. No more numbing one's self; it's back to the world of superficiality, an empty house & mugging. Semestral's are in 3 fucking weeks man.

I miss Kuching. It really felt like home. <3

"are you dead or are you sleeping?"

2007-07-20T11:22:00.000+08:00

Oh good morning:)
Don't mind the hair. Bran cereal with raisins for breakfast,
and here's yesterday & this morning in a nutshell;

He kept talking to me in malay. My brain nearly burnt itself out trying to translate what he was saying for processing, and then translating what I was going to reply. I gave up finally and just slept.

Lunch on AirAsia. I didn't like, but it was the only thing that looked good and my stomach was grumbling at me just cos the last time I fed it was a muffin at 11am, and it was nearly 6.

VILLAGE GROVE, BABY! I miss having that place as a home.

And the the camera died, oops. Had original Kuching Kolo Mee at Satok; so sinful yet nothing beats this original shizz, like they claim to back in Singapore with their 'Kuching Kolo Mee' outlets. Drove past Sugarbun & Riverside, dropped by Scoops, checked out changes around town. It hit me that I was FINALLY in Kuching after what seems like forever. Feels like home somewhat.

And oh, they finally have a Starbucks in Kuching at the airport, how rad is that.

Rauth's breakfast. For rainforest his staple food was mainly weed & chips. Someone please shoot me before I get slammed in jail for killing my brother.

All skin & bones, but deeply in love :) You feel somewhat detached when you've literally watched a person grow, from an innocent pre-teen to what they've evolved to. Good or bad, I wouldn't ask for another brother.

I've been listening to trance for the past two hours. It's a change, having absolutely nothing to do from the minute I woke up.

Looking forward to tonight, can't wait can't wait can't wait.

<3.

pumped.

2007-07-19T11:59:00.000+08:00

"I forgot to save your number last night and I made my dad go through my saved conversation with you t get your number but he couldn't find it and I asked Hafiz for your sister's but can't get through! Kancheong uh."

:)

So about an hour more, and the driver's picking me up from home to JB. Only, I'm not home yet I'm still reclining at Starbucks after my breakfast muffin cos I highly doubt I'd be eating anything later and I have to buy a bottle of water and finish more than half of it. It's ridiculous how you can't even bring more than 100ml of PLAIN mineral water on the flight because it's supposedly flammable or some sort? Like HELLO, water puts out fire, you mothers. Gosh.

1 more hour till I'm on my way out of Singapore, about 2+ hours till I reach JB, and another 4 hours or so till I embark on AirAsia AK.. something.

Then it'd just be about six hours till I see lovely people whom I haven't seen in ages. And another day more to seeing Saz & Cass & whoever I've not seen for the last 5846355887 years because it feels like so.

I still have internet access there, but y'all take care now you hear?

Muchos of grande sized love, bitches.
<3

tagged by wani.

2007-07-18T23:58:00.000+08:00

But I'm bored anyway, so here goes.

Each player starts off by naming ten habits about oneself. In the end tag six friends and they'll have to do the same too.

I wear eyeliner & mascara almost everyday, for reasons that I'm partially sure of and I must kick out the window soon. I end my days looking like a panda.
I touch my hair alot.
I tug at my ears or circle my wrists with my fingers when I feel uncomfortable.
I sleep with at least one light on. It's a MUST.
I keep thinking I'm a very boring person sometimes.
I give hugs randomly and hug tighter sometimes, just because.
I start each day with either a fruit or a kaya toast.
I have very irregular meals which I don't think is a good thing?
I can't help but avert my eyes to my reflection when I pass by a reflective surface. But, that's just a reflex action that I'm SURE 90% of you have.

I tag: Whoever feels as bored as I do now, go go go. :)

The week started off well, with getting back my Accounts results the day after the test; I didn't do as badly as I'd expected! :)

I'm close to being debarred from Oral Comm & Internet Web so no more late nights & sleeping in for me. So far I have a C as a grade for Internet Web so I'm pulling my socks up & making sure the next group work turns out ACE. I got an A for the POM test which I think is a miracle so all I have to do now is finish the project presentation and mug for semestrals.

Which start on the 17th August, fook eh.

But hey all I can think about is that I'M GOING TO KUCHING TOMORROW & that's all I can think about right now because right now all I can think about is KUCHING & Saz & Ayun & etc; ooh la la I CAN HARDLY WAIT! :D

oh & thanks Meen for lending me the camera! You just made my trip look heaps more exciting :)

Plus I got a new phone so that means a new number, but I just got told I can retain my number but nonetheless, ask if you want to know.

x.

monday blues.

2007-07-16T20:02:00.000+08:00

(Rainfest has ended! The joy I never experienced, yet the misery I didn't wallow in. BECAUSE I'M GOING IN FOUR FUCKING DAYS, HEH.)

Accounts wasn't that bad, I didn't hyperventilate-whatsoever throughout like I sometimes do because I'm unprepared. Not that I was unprepared, just a little sketchy. Which proved true when I realised after the paper the major careless mistakes I'd made which I think I've now lost like what, 6 marks? Or more.

Personal rating: 4/5

I loved this poster most from the rest, either because they others're too common & because I LOVE GARY OLDMAN he's fucktastic; old, but still very endearing and pretty much The Sex.

I'm not sure where the last point went, but I know it doesn't deserve the full ratings, is all. Felt something was wrong somewhere, but not sure what. It didn't follow the book exactly, which I thought was rather bold somewhat, but all the pieces fit in the end and the movie wasn't choppy whatsoever.

The effects are fucking amazing though, much much much better than the previous four. Props to the new director or the effects guy, whoever; I was really blown away. I loved how snippets from the past were fused into the movie appropriately, and the scene when Sirius died & Harry's reaction was just like.. phwoar.

Go WATCH GO WATCH GO WATCH :)

Alot of people are so into Bellatrix. I found her just plainly insane & disturbing. And her rotting teeth were painful to see when she gleams them to the world in her evil state of mind.

I prefer Tonks!

and her purple hair, ooh lalaaa. I've always liked her character in the later books, and Natalia Tena played her well, just like I imagined Tonks to be.

And Evanna Lynch, the girl who plays Luna Lovegood,

I loved her character! Really well played, portrayed the misunderstood soft spoken slightly delusional girl in the book.

And maybe it was just me, but I really thought she looks like Lesedi, especially in the school uniform which is almost exactly the same as my old school's just that our ties are gold striped.

& this is Lesedi,

note the blue eyes and blonde hair, and that sweet far-away look? Hmm, maybe it's just me.

Gripping nonetheless, kept Zidd, Nissa, Meen & I on the edge of our seats.

Friday was a good night spent, with coffee to end and some good ol' loving which I'll never let go of nor forget, I hope its a two way? It's those "ten years down the road & still going strong" kinda thing which I felt at that moment, like those cliched scenes from Friends or Sex & The City.

The folks should be touching down anytime soon now.

I have a new number, but I'm not sure how to charge the phone that YX lent me so YUANXIANG IF YOU'RE READING THIS PLEASE HELP ME OUT? Thanks for the phone, too! :D

Plus I'm four hours early but I need to do work now so,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! <3

You & your seven obsession. 17th day of the 7th month in 2007. Go have a fucking blast.

To all the other you's, just take care of yourselves? :)
x.

& i wake up; the sun is beautiful.

2007-07-15T22:30:00.000+08:00

An indian man waved a few 50 dollar notes at me while I was going into Orchard Towers building this morning; he had shifty eyes and a neck that twitched in the "come hither to me" direction. I stared at him hard but DAMN IT the blue Yusof Ishaks were distracting; I counted AT LEAST four pieces in his hand.

It wasn't the best weekend, but hey we make do with what we've got & move on, hopefully forward and not otherwise. However cliched "things happen for a reason is", I truly believe that they do & that some time or another we'd see the reason, just not now. It's the wheel of life, continuously rolling.

Thanks to those who've been concerned; if I'd talked to you about it some way or another, I'm not a person of words but you just being there did miles more than you can imagine. <3

Well at least accounts was rather productive; my confidence is still shaky but at least I'm more positive than I was about the test yesterday so I guess that's a plus? Folks are coming home tomorrow, and I'll be in Kuching in about five days, HOW RAD IS THAT :)

(details on how GREAT my Friday 13th was will be up soon enough, it was a really good one for me.)

stay strong lovelies, xx.

a little death, makes life more meaningful.

2007-07-14T17:02:00.000+08:00

I never loved him deeply, it was more of an obligation. If you'd asked my why I loved him, the first reason would be because "he's my grandfather." Not that I hated loving him, or him alone for that matter, I just never found it in me to sincerely love him, or have as much love for him as I do for my grandmother.

No one forced this mentality into me though. Just that even at my raw years, I'd already grasped the fact that he'd made my grandmother suffer throughout his years of philandering, cheating her into signing a contract so he could marry another without her knowing, and ultimately leaving her, my mom and aunt as a family.

Despite that, I never hated Nek Su; I loved her and I still do up to this very second. I never saw her as the bitchy second wife; she always maintained friendly ties with Nyai & she's always been like a real grandmother to me.

He wasn't the perfect grandfather I always read about. No rocking chair, no war stories, no little furry pets that came from him. He was a chain smoker, and he was my primary reason why I'd never be a heavy smoker. But he wasn't a bad person. Maybe I never loved him alot, but I knew he loved me.

I didn't cry when everyone else did. People must've thought how cold I was, how ignorant. But I didn't care. I don't see the point in crying. I cried when I heard the news, and when it sunk in, but not infront of everyone. I numbed myself at that point because I felt it was too late. I'd always felt that death was like a gift somewhat; an end to suffering, and a return trip to where you truly belong, to Whom you belong to.

I only see him once a year. Or maybe I should use the past tense now? I'm not sure, it still seems weird. Shocking; how sudden things can take a sharp right angled turn, eh. You just never know when the rug is gonna be pulled right out from under your feet, and leave you paralysed, depending on how hard you fall.

The only thing I truly regret now was never saying sorry to him for everything wrong that I've said/done to him, whether intentional or not. Never telling him straight out that I loved him. How much of an impact he's made in my life, being my grandfather.

All I can think about now is how Nek Su's gonna cope with living alone. She seemed strong throughout the ceremony but it was probably the rush for time so the burial wouldn't be delayed; it was all a front, I knew she was just trying to be strong for the sake of everyone else.

But I hate, that whenever someone or something that I know of and/or cared about dies, a part of me dies along with them. I think it happens to me just as it does to the next person. Part & parcel of life eh. How.. vicious.

<3.

constant.

2007-07-12T21:37:00.000+08:00

I like things around me to be constant. Always there, never changing, even if my environment does. Like certain people. Family. Or material things. Except money. I'd love everything to be constant so at least I have a safety net I can always count on to fall back on.

Why oh fucking why, I don't know how such bad karma can hit me at this time when I swear I've done nothing wrong. Maybe I haven't done my duties, but that can't be specifically it. Why take it out on me now, and not back then right? Must be something else. But what, what, what.

Constant. Change. Constant. I wish I could be constant too, get myself straight together. Most of you may link my incoherence to the loss of my phone and conclude how irrational and childish I'm being, but no it's much more than that really, but that's only for a handful to know.

A handful which I hope, is a constant to me.

I was strangely calm all the way home which struck me as peculiar, but maybe that's just because. I need to give it to someone for safekeeping, far far far away from me but sometimes it's like my only sanctuary. Sometimes, not always. I don't want that as a constant in my life anymore.

I didn't need this.

I think I'm sad.

attention.

2007-07-12T19:26:00.000+08:00

Please don't contact me on my cell until further notice;
I've lost my phone due to sheer carelessnes and a frazzled state of mind.

I'd like to blame the toilet cleaner for being so ignorant and oblivious, the damned bitch on the bus who took so long to lend me her phone even though I said it was an emergency, and she was just fucking texting someone, I'd like to blame the taxi driver because he kept reminding me how foolish I was to have made that mistake, I'd like to blame the cashier at Jason's just because, but I can't, I can't. Because this is entirely my fault, a bad ending to what has been the worst two weeks of my life, I only have my own fucking self to blame.

How incompetent of me. I don't even want to think about the consequences.

Please email me your number at nurul0929@gmail.com
Don't take my memory for granted; even if you're close to me does not mean I remember your number, that's how dependent I was on my phone.

so, bye.

"two hearts make one brain."

2007-07-11T22:23:00.000+08:00

The indian boy working at the textiles store next door to Monkeys passed me this via an old caucasian man on Sunday; according to the man, the boy is "rather handsome" and has "a little crush" on me. I'm not sure about the "handsome" part; I thought he was too skinny? But he has those uber cool Sennheiser headphones.

Sudden incidents like these that occur even after the mere exchange of brief smiles brighten up my day, somewhat.

Okay those were overdue pictures which I found still stored in my phone so, might as well.

A bunch of us wore red to celebrate Puma's birthday at Wheelock's Fish & Co. yesterday, mainly because we didn't want to wear pink so we did with the next best, and Puma has never eaten Fish & Co, ever. Which I think fits in my list of deprivation, hahaha.

Good food.
I should start eating bigger early lunches more, so it balances out my daily food intake properly.

After which, we stuffed ourselves in a fitting room, trying on clothes at Pull & Bear. As in, three of us in room at one shot. It was an interesting challenge, to say the least.
I want that pair of jeans, that went down from $80 - $50.
I repeat: I Want. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PUMA! <3

I think I've found that certain comfort zone in my class, which makes me very happy and my days are brighter that way. The nonsensical moments, the nonstop laughter, the jokes we make out of each other (that we don't mean to harm at all; don't worry YX!), the moments of random stupidity and hilarity that we each have contributed to. School is turning to be even lovelier with such people around.

I've been feeling more tired than ever of late; I truly can't wait for 1pm on next Wednesday to happen - I'D BE FREE. Well partially anyway, still have the darned Econs & POM projects. But the three consecutive ICAs are on the top of the list of motherfuckers.

My days till Wednesday are packed straight; projects & constant mugging to be done, the folks are coming down on Monday for a short trip, I have to collect my tickets on Friday morning after which, Harry Potter is happening for me & a few of my girls in the evening but if not, I'd just settle with a homely dinner in their company.

Oh well. 19TH JULY, PLEASE COME FASTER :D

p/s Vivien babe, if you read this: thanks so much for the lovely sudden text outta nowhere :) That special 'thing' eh? Haha. Krispy Kremes! <3

p.p/s Tyng, Liz & Lebinlove: I've missed you guys! (even if I see Tyng almost every single day), sorry I couldn't catch up with lunch, will definitely be there next Wed. :)

p.p.p/s 792347: thank you. :)

muchos of grande-sized <3.

Kuching, baby!

2007-07-11T11:09:00.000+08:00

I GOT THE GREEN LIGHT TO GO TO KUCHING NEXT WEEKEND!!!

Okay, that was actually rather old news. Just that I didn't have time to spread my joy/excitement/elation to the rest of the world yet, aside from a certain few; blogging hasn't been in my priority list of late.

Just confirmed the bookings with AirAsia;
leaving on July 19th (Thurs): JHB 1640hrs to KCH 1805hrs
arriving on July 22nd (Sunday): KCH 1455hrs to JHB 1630hrs

Damage: SGD$220, excluding transport to & from JB.

I hope that part'd be subsidised by either one of the folks.

Good part is, Mummy & Ruran'll be there to see the boys before they leave for Saudi, so it'd be a semi family reunion too.

Daddy dearest was very clear and straight to the point about his main conditions:

"No taking drugs, no booze, and NO FREE SEX."

Sure, I totally play the part of a slut daughter eh.

Oh well, I'm just so HAPPY, I don't even care that I have to mug nonstop for Accounts & Stats and that my Oral Comm speech is due next Wednesday.

<3.

almost.

2007-07-09T17:00:00.000+08:00

Yesterday at work I cut my finger quite deep; blood kept soaking through the plasters even after a day, I kept dropping knives/forks/etc, I couldn't get the money float right even after counting three times, and I almost got hit by a pickup truck which I swear, came outta nowhere.

I met Diy on the train en route to work, she looked burnt out. No more lively, dancing eyes. No more bright smile. No more energy. Aside from her eyes lighting up in surprise when she saw me, she was otherwise just dead; the end result of the load from work & school. It terrified me for a bit, watching her slump out of the train at Somerset, on her way to work. Am I gonna turn out like her? What if I'm unable to cope, that exhaustion from studies & work will take a toll on me? What if I end up like Diy before the third year of Poly, almost completely burnt out?

My weekends are already used up working, so no studying then. And even though I bring books to study afterwards, I don't get much done because I'm just too worked out & I crave sleep. I haven't seen a day in which I can sleep in, because there're too many things that need to be done. And it seems like exhaustion's already creeping up on me; both physically & mentally.

The other day I was in the bus, tired out after work. The thought of quitting is tempting, but which one? Stupid question, I know. But no one has any idea how much working is important to me. How I feel responsible for everything I do, how I want to save up so I can pay for my own college. How financially insecure I can feel most of the time. But quitting school's not an option at all. And I need school, the education, to get where I want to be in about five years time.

These issues only fill a third of my daily thoughts. I've got other things to worry about, and worrying/stressing gives me incredibly erratic moods that I hereby apologise for, if they've affected you in any way. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking. Other times, I feel like laughing out loud because that's the only way I can try to feel light. And then there're times I just want to be a small girl, & cry.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Maybe I should quit work. Or just... I'm not really sure. But I need a break & I'm dying for the month vacay in September, yet I dread the thought of mugging for exams that are coming in a month. Haven't been having good nights either; half of them are spent staring at the ceiling and playing shadow games with the night light.

I need a hug, but I just can't admit it outright; that's just not me I guess.
I want to find myself again, somewhat.
But even that, I barely have the time for now.

Fury // Salman Rushdie

2007-07-08T14:27:00.000+08:00

'Life is fury', he'd thought. Fury - sexual, Oedipal, political, magical, brutal - drives us to our finest heights and coarsest depths. Out of furia comes creation, inspiration, originality, passion, but also violence, pain, pure unafraid destruction, the giving and receiving of blows from which we never recover. The Furies pursue us; Shiva dances his furious dance to create and also to destroy. But never mind about gods! Sara ranting at him represented the human spirit in its purest, least socialized form. This is what we are, what we civilize ourselves to disguise — the terrifying human animal in us, the exalted, transcendent, self-destructive, untramelled lord of creation. We raise each other to the heights of joy. We tear each other limb from fucking limb.

Sunday morning train rides to Orchard are like train rides from Bangalore with a stopover at Phillipines. Enter the train, any cabin, and it is jampacked with people, a large percent being Filipino maids & indian men (presumably Bangladeshi workers). Ah, they have Sundays off, that's why.

Even the whole atmosphere changes. No longer do I see people dozing off on other people, or hear loud music being blasted on mp3s, it thus became some sort of marketplace. Or maybe a reunion. Everyone's just so happy to see each other on their day off for a little (not really) get together with their boyfriends/friends, usually at Orchard. It's amusing, and gives you a warm feeling, yet deafens you at the same time because their loud chit chatter & laughter is just.. too loud. It's like they haven't seen each other for the last 63843879 years, and they have that much to catch up on.

I'm at work now actually, shouldn't be online, hee. But the only people here are me & Rasyid, & he's here for the sake of being here because it's his last day. Can you imagine, quitting after only 3 weeks? He has the balls, yo. Next up soon would be me, but that'd be a bit tricky. I hate disappointing people. Darn it.

My knee still hurts like a damn mother.

"Hello, how've you been?"
"I sit in the same class as you every single day. But, I'm good? & you?"
"That's good. Haven't talked to you in a while."
"Really? You say hi to me everyday."
"Not proper conversations.. Haven't had those with you in quite a bit."
":)"

I felt so appreciated, I really did. :)

I have to get up early for school tomorrow, which is just a two hour lecture because POM tutorial's been cancelled. If it wasn't Stats, I wouldn't be going.

Okay I hear & smell lunch being cooked.

x.

peux-je pleurer maintenant?

2007-07-06T02:00:00.000+08:00

Everything's falling,
and I am included in that
Oh, how I try
to be just okay
But all I ever really wanted,
was a little piece of you.

Everybody's talking how I can't,
can’t be your love
But I want, want to be your love
Want to be your love,
for real.

My knee is hurting like a motherfucker. I blame the bus 76 driver for his inability to drive on a road without jerking at least once, causing me to knock my knee EXTREMELY HARD on the staircase while going up to the upper deck, and that also was the result of trying not to fall down the stairs backwards.

There's an ugly bruise that marks the spot now, I hope it gets better by tomorrow.

My mouth tastes dry & bitter.
I puked out an apple cos I underestimated my appetite; I was already full, and the mush that came out looks as sick as the monkey brains that I watched on video, a group of four diners masticate at a Turkish restaurant.

The whole documentary is pretty interesting actually; Faces Of Death is proof of extensive research done by one guy, about the many ways of death both animals & human beings are faced with, in different parts of the world, in different cultures, etc. Be it by accident, or deliberate, or through an act of insanity/regret. And then some.

The part about draining a body & freezing it at 320 degrees C below O, and then bringing it back to life about a 100 years later is pretty cool though. There are quite a number of bodies already frozen since the 80s, to be resurrected in years to come. Challenging God, eh.
Plus the cutting up of the dead bodies is cooooool, hohoho. But I think only people like Mar would understand, haha. :D

The docu's linked via the picture, though I do seriously caution advise on viewer's discretion, as some parts are definitely not for the fainthearted, maybe not even for some gore lovers.

oh, and

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY, LEBINLOVE.
Thanks for everything & more, have a super one today! :)
I love you & the rest, tres beaucoup <3

I have an Econs project to do tomorrow, so I'm off to sleep now.

x.

from me to you; unsent.

2007-07-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

"I'll sleep over it, & give you the answer by tomorrow. I have to think about this."
"Okay."
"But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll say yes, okay?"
"..."
"And that whatever answer I give you, it must be abided by, to be fair."
"Just please remember that I really want this. So much, you have no idea."
"Yes, but whatever answer I give you, you must abide by it okay?"
"Then if you say no, you'll have to justify it as well, to be fair to me."
"I'll think about it tonight."

Sometimes I don't get just where you're coming from. Where this fear, this insecurity that you've embedded within you, stems from. What're you afraid of? That I'll run away from you? I've already thought about that, but it won't work both ways - it'll hurt me just as much as I hope it'll hurt you. I know you have serious trust issues, but that doesn't mean you have to bring people down with them, me & her included. Do you know how torn apart I feel when she turns to me when you kill her slowly with your words, your misjudgements, your insecurity? Weren't you the one who told me that I should keep in contact with my friends always? That's what I've been trying to do, yet you never let me. You brought us as a family into the marriage, & told us to accept one another as a family. Haven't I been doing just that? So then why are you preventing me, suspicious about my every form of communication with them? I've learnt to love & trust them almost as equally as my own flesh and blood. Why aren't you happy with that?

Excuses after excuses you've managed, all making me feel guilty & to be blamed in the end, worthless in your eyes. I'm sick of feeling that, now. I'm growing up, you have to see that. I have my own opinions and thoughts and I want my own freedom. I go out of my way not to break your trust, even though my friends may mock or jest at me. I try to shield you with endless defences when people stain your name with biased opinions. What they say may be true, but only we know the whole story & no one else. Yet in the end, I still walk away defeated from you, because you have power over me & I have endless respect for you, no matter how it's fading. I deliberately avoid long conversations with you because they'd just be done with a tinge of spuriousness, so neither of us would end up in rage or tears. I comply; I obey.

I know you're scared of letting us go; of letting me go out into the world. But I'm growing up, and I can't be as perfect as you've envisioned me to be. I still remember the painful conversation we had, that built a wall that's still standing today. But that doesn't mean I love you any less; I just hate myself more.

You're scared of losing me, but I'll always be your little girl.
I rarely keep promises, but this one I will. Always. <3.

hormonal/bloated/annoyed.

2007-07-04T11:30:00.000+08:00

(On the topic of social escorts giving blowjobs for $3000..)
Wendy: What's a blowjob?
Puma: oh my god, faints. You really don't know? It's.. um..
Nrl: When you suck a guy's dick.
Wendy: OMG! EW! Why would I wanna do that? So disgusting!
Nrl: Trust me, you'll do it soon enough, when you get married.
Puma: Or even before.
Wendy: But WHY..??
Puma: It's part & parcel of life.

I am in a state of physical pain right now, a pain bordering to excruciating. My stomach's punching itself in multiple times over, my back has been sore for the last few days causing me great discomfort whenever I walk/sit/sleep, my legs/thighs cry out when I walk up stairs - but maybe that's got to do with the rate I've been exerting pressure on them, walking much much more than usual, and my arms are aching but FOR NO REASON.

Now my boobs are giving me problems.

I think that the godly time of the month is imminent; I'm partially thankful because the last time it came was more than a month ago, but I LOATHE the pain that comes with it, not sure why it's coming on harder nowadays than ever before.

Hell, it's times like these I wish I had a dick instead.

p/s A lovely HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Bani & Boobies dear, have a great one you guys! :) <3

machine ballerina.

2007-07-03T12:01:00.001+08:00

For your approval,
perusal,
and your possible
refusal,
I'm amusing;
I'm a puppet for your play.

a treat at the end.

2007-07-03T01:19:00.000+08:00

This is Mar, she's one of my favourites;
eccentric, unique, fragile, annoying & loud - all rolled into one.
A treat for most, underappreciated by others.

We had instant noodles for supper, which we walked all the way to 7-11 for and getting stares along the way, either because we're two innocent girls walking along a stretch of illegal soliciting & budget hotels, or because we create too much noise.

I hadn't eaten instant noodles since the O's last year, so I'd thought that eating it was a damn good idea, but I got sick halfway through; I think I'll stay away from chicken flavors the next time :(

We watched the 2% GST hike take place literally too, how rad is that.

I survived work the next day with only four hours of sleep or so, but it was well darn worth it, just because. :)

Plus, her mom doesn't hate me! :D I was pretty sure she did considering I didn't really leave the house the last time with a good impression of myself on her, but that was 3 months ago so "forgive & forget" we shall all comply to, I guess.

I'm forcing myself to drink at least 1.5 liters/8 cups of water a day (contrary to the 8 LITERS that Aishah thinks! haha), which will be one of my biggest challenges, having being famous for surviving without normal unsweetened mineral plain water for more than 2 months.

I drank a liter today.
Never have I peed so much in a span of two hours in my entire life, ever.

So work's been good, school's being a bitch with the people there varying from lovely to terribly bitchy/disturbing, but life's okay in general so far so who'm I to complain?

Except that I have three ICAs in one week, coming up in three weeks, and I haven't much a clue/have forgotten what's going on in classes, so help me dear God.

Plus, I have no idea how the hell to do a fricken' speech "to persuade employers to support the Government's new employment guidelines (which is WHAT, exactly?) without using legislation, aimed at ending discrimination at the workplace."

Yeah uhmm, totally.

But here's the treat at the end like I mentioned above;

I uploaded it to Imeem for easier listening so you wouldn't have to wait 4638563 years for it to stream on Myspace.

I prefer this version, there's something sexier about a man with a sexed up voice singing about umbrellas rather than a girl dressed in a skimpy outfit dancing in the rain doing so.

But I'm a girl, so.

You can stand under my umbrella,
You can stand under my umbrella,
ella, ella, ella; eh, eh, eh, ehhh...

hope.

2007-06-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

It's become a habit, something that I didn't notice had started until I consciously find myself doing so; each time I see a newspaper article on the Iraq war, or American troops in Iraq, or more specifically Fallujah, I always tend to search the faces in the picture for Lenny.

Some sort of evidence that can keep the glimmer of hope from fading, somewhat.

Dated: June 29, 2007

It's a 50/50 chance, two sides of a coin; life & death. Uncertain, unpredictable; death is that something you never know you might face when you wake up one day.

And well, if you're in a place where everyone's killing one another.. sometimes I hate thinking about it. I loathe thinking what he's becoming. What the war has made him. What the war is doing to most of the soldiers who are out there, fighting for their country because they are loyal. And loyal to whom? A man who thinks he is God, and is power-hungry, sacrificing his own men for his lame excuses of a President.

This being an old picture scares me somewhat, that he isn't posting new pictures or has stopped going online for quite some time.

I sent Pam a message for news of her brother; I'm half-hoping yet half-dreading for the reply.

I still pray for him. alot.
please keep him safe.

<3.

kiss it.

2007-06-29T00:10:00.000+08:00

It's a tad mellow; doesn't measure up to the standards of "Antichrist Superstar" or "Mobscene" - but it's still good nonetheless. Brian Hugh Warner is a fucking genius.

Plus for just $10.95, I got this;

It's a fucking steal, & so far it's becoming one of most in-depth biographies of Monroe I've ever come across.

I'm waiting to find the right biography of James Dean, and my obsession will be about done.

So I overslept all the way till 11.15 when school actually started at 8am, & I had to cab again to school for the 12pm Econs tutorial, plus I got chosen for some debate for next Wednesday's class, something that I had no say in cos I wasn't present.

Today was exceptionally fat & ugly too.

Jebus.

OH WELL, I GOT MANSON'S ALBUM - HAH! - & when Paramore's "RIOT!" hit stores I'd be so much happier I wouldn't care if I became a pariah because I was fat & everyone stopped liking me because I'd turned into a chunky monkey or something or the sort.

Amelie.

2007-06-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

I had to be honest about it, though my outright honesty shocked even me somewhat, that my mind made itself up that quick; a point-blank "No."

Maybe its a blame on my part, my inability; how I clearly cannot hold my grasp onto them for long. How in the end, those two hours turn to one, and that one hour turn to minutes, slowly dissolving into seconds in which we squeeze obligations/courtesies into. How the deep-rooted fear has grown into something somewhat bigger, consuming all trust & confidence I've painstakingly rekindled. How trust.. when given too much, when the guards come down, when figuratively being able to dance nude around them in your own true skin; gradually deliqueces.

One hand is all I need, to count the number of those whom I've trusted so much as to actually show my weaknesses to. Weaknesses which burden, which taught me a cold hard lesson about trust, and giving less of it.

Give, take.. give.

But hey who knows, this time they could all turn out to be something different. :)

<3.

cold.

2007-06-27T10:56:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I've roughly calculated the damage that's gonna set me back financially for awhile, comes around to about $600 (listing of wanted items shall not be displayed for fear of vehement objections regarding my compulsive behaviour).

Before you accuse me of being insane, a huge part of the $600 is going to the airfare/expenses of my planned Kuching trip; I guess the weekend after Rainfest'd be a good idea what with no lecture on that Friday, better late than never to see loved ones right?

But $600.. Shit, that's like my full pay, and then ~~some~~ more. Maybe it's predestined; some sick twisted prophecy that curses me to be spendthrift, & end up poor. I guess the good part of it would be having more time to study, catch up with assignments/tutorial/projects; it's neverending, I'm shooting the people who told me that Poly is fun & play & all you do is bunk lessons.

In other wordly larger-than-life news, RIP Chris Benoit.
Though I hardly doubt "resting in peace" in purgatory would be hardly possible, after killing his wife & 7 year old kid before he hung himself.
I'm thinking he didn't want to die being known as just a Pro wrestler; he wanted to leave with a huge colossal BANG, so I guess murder & suicide does the trick.

Speaking of interesting people,

PARIS HILTON IS OUT OF JAIL!
whoots!

Call me mentally disturbed/whatever, but I'm still pro-Paris. Getting landed in the slammer is just bad karma, happens to even the best of everyone. Check out what she did for a TMZ reporter; I think even people who hate her are just gonna start smiling at how sincere this is:

though I have to admit, the last time my handwriting was as such was in Primary 3 or so.

She looks really happy there, almost makes me wanna go "God bless her".

Oh & something ~~funny~~ (okay it's not so funny when it happens to you, makes you feel like the biggest dork on earth) happened today, I wore my top inside out, the whole way from home to school, till about 45 minutes into the first class.

What a motherfucker.

Go ahead, laugh cruelly at my expense & misery.

caramel.

2007-06-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

So goodbye
sweet appetite,
No single bite, could
satisfy;

It won't do
to dream of caramel;
to think of cinammon
and long,
For you.

It was a rather long day, rather dreary at that too, I've decided to sacrifice my trip to Kuching for Rainfest on the coming 12th-15th; there're two ~~bloody~~ ~~aggravating~~ ~~frustrating~~ fucking ICAs the following Monday & Tues - Accounting & Stats to be exact.

(insert violent & emotionally charged swearing.)

Hey You up there, I'm not sure why You keep rolling things my way at this time of the year three times in a row, but I guess there's a good reason to why You're doing this so I shall not complain.
Maybe just subtly; stomp my feet around abit & not talk for days. & pierce my tongue while I'm at it.

well, at least I'm $400 richer, I feel like sucha rich bitch. My piggy bank's gaining weight.

so kiss me hard,
cos it'll be the last time that I let you.

bye bye, six easily-clinched marks.

2007-06-25T13:58:00.000+08:00

Name any two contigency factors that must be considered when determining the span of control.

The ability of the subordinates; whether they are sufficiently equipped with the right skills, having capable subordinates widens the span of control.
The complexity of the tasks; the more complex the tasks are, the narrower the span of control, as a close control can be maintained if the task is very complex, so as to complete the given task more effectively/efficiently.

How easy the words can come now, may not be fully accurate but hey, at least I got the factors right.

But what did I write instead? The structure and the environment. smart Nrl, very smart.

oh & I think my lappie is dying too; how can you be so mean to me, I've treated you with proper care & concern, yet all you keep doing now is having "unknown problems" and shutting down abruptly for no reason at all.

hello, early mornings.

2007-06-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

check out the polka-dot bikinis, the James Dean lookalikes and the twists; OH THE TWISTS. How our folks 'got down & jiggy with it' back then, hey.

On the other hand, it's less than an hour to Monday, how I amuse myself by looking forward to school yet when the actual day comes a wave of nausea hits me the moment I wake up. Domesday I tell you, especially with the anal-charged POM test that's accounted for 15% I have tomorrow - guess what? I'm NOT done studying. Reverting back to my old days, when I was a sloth & not much more. I need motivation, & the $400 I'm getting sometime this week after working for 2-3 weekends is NOT it, though it does count for a part of my happiness this month.

Oh, I was followed to my lift by a Bangla that lives on the 4th floor just now; he kept calling out to me while I was walking infront of him, lucky my earphones were plugged in. He said that I "looked smart"; a compliment in his terms I guess (I was wearing flip flops), & when he got out, he turned back & bluntly went, "so, can I have your phone number?"

I just looked at him & told him simply, "No," just as the lift doors closed in his face. I should be more sympathetic, but I couldn't ask the doors for a better timing to shut.

Oh well, I'm looking forward to giving a million & one sincere hugs tomorrow.

<3.

cheers, to good ol' lovely friends like these.

2007-06-23T00:44:00.000+08:00

There was actually a certain depth to the conversations, substantial words & thoughts inexplicably flowing through. sentences that didn't stem from just the surface, that were random, yet had a different light shone upon them. Something that I had to adjust to, take a step back into what was once familiarity.

There's Anne, with her 'wiser-than-thou' words that leave me inspired each time, nonetheless. She mentioned how others shouldn't define me, that I shouldn't change for the sake of others; she sees me being my own person & that I am Nurul,
{quote} the girl who doesn't wear studs but needs dangling/chunky earrings because it exudes your 'isms'.{/quote}

Then there is Sarah, her intellect & articulation of words flowing out of her like an age old fountain. I've always admired how gathered her thoughts were, how she was able to express herself in words when others struggle to. Words & art; her weapons in life, her determination to excel blows me away sometimes. Her mannerisms, her eccentricity, that sets her apart from the rest. & yes, ACJC has left a mark on her, the influx of bitching that I don't blame her solely for, haha.

Sharatul, the intricate character. I couldn't honestly answer if she had changed or not, when she asked me that. I guess it depends from who's perspective; we all tend to be chameleon at times, changing our skins & colors depending on the level of comfort zone we're in. I've missed her singing, how her voice can leave me awestruck sometimes. Her random thoughts that leave me thinking more than I should be. Her reassurances that I've missed, that I find I've been yearning for of recent. Yet when the awkard silences come, unwelcome, fitting themselves in certain moments, I can't help but wonder: what was lost?

I think we all take advantage of what we had, that we never really find the time & place to just stop; to look, feel & listen. It's only when what we had's left or gone, then only do we realise how much we crave for them; the comfort, the homeliness, the warmth, the solace. The sense of being whole, as a person. & if we never learnt to appreciate what was then, how are we to do the same for what is now?

I may not've been, or be, as close to them in comparison to past/present (give & take the circumstances); i've lost touch with a certain few people. but then again - what is close? sure, let's recount the frequent "i miss you's" & all that of the like; but such words prove meagre, & don't exactly define anything.
food for thought?

here goes my attempt to sleep early & be up by 8am for work.
sleep well & stay safe lovelies, <3.

TGIF?

2007-06-22T01:39:00.001+08:00

i deleted the last post; if i can't deal with it myself, i'd rather not let anyone triumph over my momentarily flawed state of mind.

i'm only human; that's my saving grace.

here's to a great friday ahead, or at least by the looks of it.
we should all give hugs today, whether they need it or not. it'd make both parties feel more whole; i think so anyway.

tgif, hey. :)

i could be your tourniquet.

2007-06-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

i have disappointed myself, in the sense that i no longer rise to the standards that either i, or others, have set out for myself to achieve. i feel as if i've lost all substantiality in both thoughts & doings, that i'm no longer able to express myself the way i will to, nor am i able to pull myself & my act together so i can be more whole, like i think i once was. the holidays were rather dreary & pointless aside from working for cash, but that's another story. i've lost my concentration to actually sit down & study, which isn't good; i think being in poly has changed my mindset somewhat. i no longer mug like how i used to, & even if i do get down to mugging, the outcome is nothing close to what i know i'm capable of doing, in comparison. maybe it's the difference in influence or pressure that's being put on me that i'm dealing with here, and i need to change that before i go crazy, to put it simply.
i finally get what Nissa was telling me the other day, i think it's how we've been 'trained', using that word loosely; & defined, as a student. that we were given such high expectations to make us feel like failures, only to bring out the best from us in the end. that we actually do reap what we sow, instead of letting others do the job for us.

hoho, maybe quiet days have been well spent after all. although having said that, i really miss my classmates & my lovely freshies, i've been feeling out of touch of recent & i need some humanly contact soon soon soon!
not exactly in the sense you might be thinking, btw.

"Your world is an ashtray, we burn & coil like cigarettes;
the more you cry, ashes turn to mud."

Ryan Phillipe is just so fucking pretty.
& I'M GETTING MY PAY THIS WEEKEND, FINALLY :D

x.

feel you from the inside.

2007-06-21T00:48:00.000+08:00

Just Like Heaven
wonderful movie, pulled my hair out & bawled my eyes dry over it.

Sin City
sexy & thrilling written all over it. i still love how the direction of the movie is totally different from any other, how it's portrayed & played & set; i still can't get over how brilliant & bold it is, to be unconventional.
though now, i got a bit.. discontented, with it.

Serendipity
the reason why my mind is so fucked up, thinking that fate & destiny is real, that somewhere out there there's a guy who's willing to stop his wedding & drag his friend across states, to come and see me, a girl who'd he randomly met somewhere. how i wish it so.
oh and also, the reason why i wanted to live in New York.

Georgia Rule
great great great movie, i want it to come here already!

Domino
i would say it was an excellent movie, if the video hadn't hung halfway through the movie & left me ravenous for what's to come. I WANT TO WATCH THE FULL THING. have you seen Keira Knightley's body in this? before she turned too skinny. duperly damn solid. like, holy shit.

The Good Son
disturbing, i have a feeling its loosely based on the book, 'I am King of the castle'. i found the plots to be extremely similar, but to actually watch a kid having twisted thoughts is just.. terrifying. Macaulay Culkin was the perfect choice, & Elijah Wood as a kid was a total bonus.

Me and You and Everyone We Know
found it under the 'foreign films' section, it's indie most probably & it's not foreign. very thought provoking, i quite liked it. somewhat relative to reality; acting on secret impulses, speaking your innermost thoughts, and finding redemption in simple, small moments.

Just Follow Law
typical Singaporean comedy, subtly exposing the 'isms' of Singaporeans, forever using Gurmit Singh & forever being directed by Jack Neo. same old, same old. though some parts really were funny, but the main reason for having watched it was because Shameen & I felt it was too early to sleep.

yeah okay, that was my week, plus work & studying & catching up with friends. & the likes.

i've been having alot of quiet days lately, i'm not sure if i like it, but it's quite different from what i'm used to. and when i say quiet, i mean me not talking. which is, rather phenomenal, some may admit.

imagine someone wanting to fuck you, like an animal. completely, your brains out. it's disturbing, but flattering nonetheless. to me, at least. & i still don't think Adam Levine's cover of this justifies Trent Reznor.

alright, i'm getting to Cruel Intentions now.

x.

p/s oh & hey, Nissa's back! <3 (with presents :D )

georgia rule!

2007-06-19T01:16:00.000+08:00

"i will find all your boyfriends, and fuck them stupid."

agh, fuck the fact that three parts of the movie was missing!! three whole frickin parts, so much happened, but i managed to link the pieces to make it fit so the movie was still understandable. Felicity Huffman's acting is superb, & i love love love Lindsay's voice. I CANNOT WAIT FOR HER NEXT MOVIE! 'I Know Who Killed Me' is just gonna be good, i can feel it in my veins.

today was abit productive, overslept a little bit so was a wee late to meet YX, Aishah & Puma for the irritable POM project. we accomplished our goal, though! :) now all i have to do is read ahead for Econs, revise Accounting & Stats, & STUDY FOR THE POM ICA. how am i supposed to do this by Saturday when i have a bad habit of staying up late to watch movies so i'd end up sleeping till noon the next day, i have no clue. but, i'm enjoying it as it is, :)

i'm missing alot of people! if you think that you're included then it's a high possibility that you are :) met Tyng for dinner though! she looked hot just now, i don't think having braces would do much difference? food for thought, for her. let's keep our fingers crossed for Wednesday/Thursday or, whenever aye. :)

i ate quite a bit today, and ended dinner late too - ugh - and to top it all off, Nuraini just HAD to surprise me with ice cream from the freezer just now. i'm gonna get fat before school reopens i tell you. but NEHHMIND, cos i'm still dead-set on making my escapade to Kuching for rainfest POSSIBLE :D

aight i'm gonna watch 'Domino' & 'Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer' now. which will last me till about.. 5am?

p/s SHAMEEN IF YOU READ THIS, watch out cos i might crash your house tomorrow! :D

xxx.

you make me feel, brand new.

2007-06-17T18:39:00.000+08:00

like, how you made me smile even when i was thoroughly exhausted & my feet were about to cry, and you didn't even care that my hair was having a life of its own.

:)

cri silencieux? maybe.

2007-06-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

i dreamnt i was a prostitute the night before last, and the worst part was that my client, is a close family friend of my dad's. how... ironic.
and Louisa was the other callgirl, she laughed her head off when i told her i was still a virgin and that i was scared. i can still vividly picture her laughing, geez; do other people besides my dad think that i've slept around? because really, talk about a major dignity deflation here.

i think i can admit that how i'm immersing myself into all sorts of activities, is merely a diversion from actually sitting down & watching the world take its place. movies, both on & offline shopping, books, reruns of 'Sex & The City', working. i made perfect beers today too, how rad is that, i'm so proud of myself :) the right amount of beer with the perfect width of foam at the top. and i had waffles at Village (read: 'Vill-ahj-eyh') with Iskandar after work, it was lovely with little surprises that struck me till a long time after. all the while, seeing a certain face pop up here & there wherever i go, my imagination can be quite disconcerting (i still don't know, priya!).

i wish i could take care of people more & promise them that everything's fine & not just bullshit to make them feel better because i so desperately want them to; how much of hypocrites can we all be sometimes.

i've been trying to say some things, but i just can't find the perfect words;
it bothers me, somewhat. tugging at me, growing to be unbearable slowly.

hmm, maybe i'll go to the airport tomorrow morning? :)
x.

animosity for what's become, now.

2007-06-15T20:02:00.000+08:00

i'll see you in a few months or less, little sunshine of mine. kakak loves you very much, <3.

& the best yet worst part of it was, that despite the goodbyes being somewhat hurried & disturbed (why didn't it occur to me that she'd come see them off as well, geez?), Ruran slowly teared, that silent cry that showed she understood that we weren't leaving her this time, but she was leaving us.

i could've just crumbled, i wanted to freeze that moment & not let time run any further.

my idea of coming home is not of one to an empty household, with no one to greet you but darkness, and maybe the soft trickle of the tap that can never be turned off proper.

on a bright note though, i met up with five of my favourite girls today! Viv, Kerri, Rae, Nirosha & Zidd :) how lovely, except that for about half an hour we were seated infront of Mrs Chan, devouring her salad all by her lonely self; we could've asked her to join us but we were ~~gossiping~~ talking about other certain teachers/ex-teachers that she shouldn't know about, oh well.

i've missed them all a whole lot, and it struck me how we were all strangers in sec 3 (except for Nirosha & i) yet grew closer in our final year, thanks to the seating arrangement that bound us to being in a radius of 4 tables from each other.

not much has changed, Vivien will be leaving for Canberra again this Sunday, & go back to ogling at that hot guy on her campus she was raving about, hoho :) walked around Orchard with Nirosha & Rae after, joined by Denise, for abit. spilling stories & sharing thoughts/advice along the way, it was a well spent afternoon, can't wait for Cafe Del Mar next :)

the house is much too quiet now, i wish Nuraini would come home quicker.
sometimes i wish for a family, a real one. one that i can come home & tell stories of my day to, one that i can sit around a table for proper dinner with, share lengthy conversations with, instead of the awkward silences we're faced with now, the silence filled with the mutual understanding that we could not fill the blanks any longer, because that's what we've come to at this point - empty, unfilled blanks.

yes i am sad right now, and i wish i just knew how to actually talk about it to someone, maybe it'd do me some good this time.

this, just bluntly sucks.

an attempt at nonchalance.

2007-06-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

trouble sleeping leads to camwhoring, how i've changed over the months i think. or so what people have told me, that i'm not the same person they know, or knew. is that really true? have i changed in some significant way that its noticeable for you to point out? what is it? i look at myself both physically & mentally, i don't think i've changed one bit aside from extra mass. i'm still the one trying to string everyone together, trying to be the piece of the puzzle that will fit somewhere. or am i covering one eye by doing this, blinding myself from seeing only what i want to see and not what others do? or maybe you've changed. and you're only telling me that i have, to subtly cover your own insecurity & self aversion, your ignorance & unacceptance of what's become, of what you see when you wake up every morning.

bonne nuit & bon matin; mummy's leaving in less than 12,
i sense the fear coming on again.

"pintu syurga di tapak kaki ibumu."

2007-06-14T16:25:00.000+08:00

or something like that, pardon my malay. i forgot the phrase but i've been told of it countless times - never to be rude to your mother, never talk back, always respect her.. because "heaven's doors are at your mother's feet."

last night, while catching up with a family friend and mummy dear over drinks at Carlton, i got news of an acquaintance that not only disturbed my thoughts for a long time after, but somewhat shifted the plates that we all stood on. how we all play our roles as the mother/father/daughter/son/sister/brother, etc, and what we perceive as right or wrong when playing them.

the last i met her was in '04. she'd told me she was of my age in confidence, minutes after her mom'd introduced her as the "eighteen year old daughter". i didn't understand why, until she got half-dragged from me, to a table of old & rich perverted men, none of which younger than 50 perhaps. she wasn't cantankerous; it seemed somewhat that she'd done this sort of conversations (if you can call it that, minus the immoral touching everywhere) before, & she wasn't a stranger to such behaviour.

i thought she was sweet, rather intellectual too, the way she could hold a conversation. beautiful she was, no doubt; i thought she resembled Annabelle Francis. but there she was, a fourteen year old, in a micro skirt & a tube top that could barely keep in everything.

yesterday i was told that she'd quit school previously to work as a hostess at a malay dangdut club, those sleazy ones that are too smoky to see anything that if you could see, you'd only be welcomed by old, white-haired men in silk shirts, with a girl young enough to be his granddaughter on his lap. all this she did, with the recommendations from her very own mother.
the last bit that i heard of her was that she'd fallen pregnant just last year, and cos she'd be too young to keep the baby, a Malay welfare organisation took it from her. & now she's under probation in something like a girls' home.

while her mother - the one who'd introduced her daughter to this side of the entertainment world, the one who had gotten her the job as a hostess, the one who had allowed her daughter's boyfriend to sleep with her daughter even when being only fourteen, the one who refused to take care of her newborn grandchild - is still singing her life away.

i just hope she's doing alright now, it's sad to see such a waste.

i don't know, maybe it's not entirely the mother's fault, given the circumstances. but to literally take advantage of your daughter's beauty and selling her that way.. i guess not all mothers will go to heaven after all.

show me heaven.

2007-06-13T14:31:00.000+08:00

i spent the morning watching dvds of Teletubbies with Ruran cos mummy was out, we had this mutual understanding after fifteen minutes of her blasting my ears with her crying & immensely high volume of shrieking, that i am all she's got for the next two hours, so if she doesn't cooperate i'm gonna leave her alone & jump out the window. we fell asleep sometime after, & i woke up to find her face inches from mine, and her finger on my nose SHE IS TRES ADORABLE, I LOVE HER :)

mummy came home with sandwiches, & i still stand by the fact that Tinky Winky is gay. or a trannie. must be the latter. how disturbing, for the kids.

je pense qu'il m'aime, n'est ce pas?
mais je ne sais pas, et combien.
scared? oh yes;
parce qu'il est trop parfait,
et je suis just, me.

i've been blogging too much, need to study, bye lovelies.
x.

je voudrais à... j'aimerais à... OH, NOTHING.

2007-06-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

FINALLY got to watch it; oh my fuck, how anal can cinemas here get! showing foreign films at incredibly neglected places such as Prince or Yangtze or wherever, thank GOD this was showing at Lido too cos it was under SHAW & all. or, whatever. tickets were almost all taken up though, got stuck at the 2nd row from the front next to this old husband of an aunty who kept inching away from me thanks to my sudden loud paroxysms of laughter & glee.

movie is really good, WHO SAYS HOLLYWOOD MAKES THE BEST MOVIES CAN STICK A SHOVEL UP THEIR ASS. Audrey Tatou is gorgeous though painfully thin, & Gad Elmaleh has the most intensed eyes ever, though somehow he went from average joe to being.. sexy. plot was clever, with the infusion of classy comedy that didn't turn out to be painful slapstick, cliched humour. & the romantic parts really captured the essence of romance & sweetness of it all; i didn't cry at this one though, which is a good thing as it sets it apart from other romantic comedies/dramas that have set me bawling.

ooh how lovely it was to sit through a french movie & set your ears to attention, trying to capture those familiar words/phrases that you've lost your grasp on. it was like going through listening comprehension again, with familiar words ringing up familiar memories.

okay so it doesn't look as tantalizing as it does in real life, but worth the $7.00 The Coffee Club charges its mudpie for, it is. it's about the same price as NYDC's yet its gargantuan next to NYDC's mudpie. but too chocolatey, i don't like.

so i had the Tiramisu a la cafe instead,

which was nice, but didn't even taste the Kahlua or anything, more of the cheese & cream. got abit sick halfway through though so i left it at that, i knew i should've gone to Spinelli's & satisfied myself with the apple crumble there. mind you, they bake real slices of apple inside, instead of the generic apple bits in a can stuff, for only $3.20.

yes i know i should stop craving, it's killing me. i hate how i can't stop thinking about what i'm consuming & yet doing very little about it or going about it with the wrong solutions; even i'm aware how unhealthy it is, i want that side of the brain to just switch off.

I WANT TO GO FOR THE FRENCH EXCHANGE PROGRAMME NEXT YEAR. six whole freakin months in the land of the Eiffel Tower, Musee De Louvre, croissants, designer boutiques & ooh-la-la hot romance with sexy french men, how tempting can a place get? then again, that's only Paris, i'd just spasm if they send us to the countryside or something. or hmm, that wouldn't be so bad either, a completely fresh breath of air from skyscrapers & concrete.

yes siree, i'll work hard & earn my spot in the list to go there. it'd be like The Real World: Paris; NYP style, only i wouldn't be having flings with my roommates, but rather the local men. hee.

p/s Tan Woan Tyng you gorgeous fuck, get your ass to Singapore like ASAP cos i miss you & the rest like there's no tomorrow. :(

<3.

What if God was one of us?

2007-06-11T15:07:00.000+08:00

suddenly got hit by the downloading bug & went on a downloading spree, with bits & traces of old songs playing in my head and me desperately trying to connect a string of words to make a proper sentence from the song & hopefully able to find it online for download.

i remember the song from Joan Osborne was from Now 8 i think, & it was during those years when CDs were a lux & casettes were all we had, and this particular tape was a favourite in daddy's car back then, played during almost all car rides. it was the second last song on side B, a song that daddy forbade us to play because it brought in the issues of God & questions of his existence that we yearn to ask but never dared to, it'd just be a rhetorical question with an expected answer.

how protected was i back then, how we're all born into this certain context of thinking & never meant to venture out of the boundaries, seeking answers to forbidden questions.

like that lady Joy i think, from Malaysia, who dared to publicly denounce her faith for Islam & step into Christianity, stirring up a wide & uproaring controversy/conflict between the conservative & the modern; between Islam & Christianity; between free thought & rules that've been set.

i think she should be given her way, isn't Islam about understanding? yes, advise her they must, try to lead her back into whichever path she was born into. but force is what they shouldn't, if she's not sincere in continuing her original faith, there'd be no point in it. it'd be a forced torture for her, per se, & that'd make no difference to her being a muslim or a christian because she's stuck between the two.

has someone ever asked you, "why are you in the religion that you're in now? is it because you were born into it, or you chose it? do you know WHY you're following it?"
i still haven't found the right answer to it, just yet.

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy Rolling Stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome.

btw, whoever has Meatloaf's "I'd Lie For You (& That's The Truth)" from his '95 album Welcome To The Neighbourhood, please please please send it to me, i've been searching for this song for months. it was the last song on Now 8.

i'm thinking of renting movies & spend some alone time at a corner of starbucks with a hot latte or cappucinno, & watching them from morning till evening. but after i get all my tutorials/assignments/planning for projects/ICAs outta the way.

have a delish day ahead :)
xxx.

one of those melodramatic, fools.

2007-06-10T16:40:00.000+08:00

yesterday night was pretty rad, the folks came down to Monkeys after i finished my shift & we all had a family dinner out after what seemed like the longest time, i think the last time was 6 months ago in December, during the Jakarta trip. best part was that we all had a roaring good time watching Kumar, i'd pointed out to Kumar that i'd be sitting at table 1 with my family & he made a point to highlight Ruran during the show, cos she's a baby, in an M18 show, cool eh. haha.

work was ~~fucked~~ hell though, got screwed over abit by Gwen cos the cash register machine just wouldn't work right & she blamed me & Ace, that indirect blaming she does that is actually direct but done subtly. we were also badly shorthanded around 6+ till the next shift, & so happened that Kumar swung by early so can you imagine Singapore's infamous drag queen serving you your dinner & drinks? though he panicked when it came to serving hotplates/fajitas, he's still fragile that way, haha.

Harold offered me a spot at Club 392 on Sundays, even when i shouldn't be there in the first place as the age limit's like 21 i think. but its $6.50 per hour which is still pretty low, but anything that's better than this pay & has better working hours still sounds good (8pm-3 or 4am i think) so should i, or non?

daddy left this morning/slightly after noon, you should've seen the ruckus Ruran made, crying & bashing about. it's as if she knew that she won't see her father for another week, & sad thing is, this character's not at its worst yet, wait till she turns 3 or 4 & she really knows whats going on.
i guess its sorta a good thing that she's the one crying, so i can concentrate on her & ignore the nagging knawing in my chest.

i think two of my friends just broke up, which is actually very heartbreaking because they were the sweetest couple ever & were very much in love the last time i met the two which was just a coupla' months ago. now that even they're dunzo, what hope's left for the rest of us now eh.

it was a beautiful day out, but i slept it away, damn the sleep deprived nights before this that finally took its toll on me today.

the house is quiet. too quiet. i'm waiting for Nuraini & mummy get home, and Viv to drop by because i miss her so much & she's popping by en route to John next door, :D

off to The Breakfast Club & Sex and The City now, depending which loads first.
cheerios lovelies, <3.

drained.

2007-06-10T02:52:00.000+08:00

two ladies walked in to Monkeys around lunch time, & mind you, they looked like a mix of northern indian & caucasian with perfect eyes nose body; everything. how perfect could one've looked & not have others lunge at you with the motive to kill.

one ordered a cup of hot water with a slice of lemon. the other, a bottle of evian.

they paid & after which, left, only to come back two hours later to use the restroom. after being asked if she'd like anything to eat/drink, the lady who'd the cup of hot water with a slice of lemon bluntly replied, "no, i'm still full from what i had."

i wonder how a cup of hot water with a slice of lemon can last you for two hours, no wonder she's got the killer body. how i admire such willpower sometimes, yet i feel like strangling her for being such a boneheaded bimbo.

and by the way, Paris got sent back to jail again, how sad is that. if they never had the intentions of putting her under house arrest seriously & getting opinions from all sides of the jurisdiction/law for it, then that sheriff shouldn't have set her hopes so high, only to crush them back down again & trample over them to a million pieces.

i think her public humiliation's punishment enough, i really pity how she's being shoved around like some animal & not treated like a real person.

you don't like what you see when you see me,
but that's the price, of belonging to you.

it's 3am and i have to send daddy off at the airport tomorrow, how cruel can time sometimes be.

xxx.

a family again, almost.

2007-06-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

when you say that you love someone
be it your lover, a friend, your parents or your children,
do you really mean it?
or is it just another obligation?

hello there, you little bright sunshine of mine :)

a little tired, work tomorrow & i have to get up at eight.

didn't go to school today, i realised how i actually missed people from school & it's only been one day, how's the next two weeks gonna go about i wonder.

<3.

unforgotten.

2007-06-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

while on the way home from Tampines this morning, 65 passed by the Alkaff Mosque, & snaking from the entrance was a long line of boys/men walking slowly towards the entrance from the bus stop, a mixed bunch of stereotypes - the mats, the religious ones with their full baju melayu & songkok, old men in flower shirts & aviators, even six year old boys in their Superman tshirts.

the bus went round the bend, the doors to the mosque were wide open, inside was full up to the corners, till people had set out big mats outside to accomodate the oncoming crowd.

it's things like these i witness that remind me how lovely a place the world can be, afterall.

when was my/your last?

<3.

tell me something pretty.

2007-06-07T21:58:00.000+08:00

Liz: "my boyfriend and i just made up :)"
Hafiz: "perah."
Ali: "look into the mirror, and out into the night sky."
Adelo: "NURUL!!.. you asked me to tell you something pretty, so i said your name."
Nissa: "something pretty."
Lebinlove: "something pretty!"
Shafiq: "hey hey, you you."
Zid: "i need you like the dragonfly's wings need the wind."

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy
are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, something i predict to be THE motion picture of 2007.
it's a musical, set in the 1960s amidst anti-war protests, struggle for civil rights, sex drugs rock & roll, leading to the onset of the Vietnam War. about falling in & out of love, changing, and how a tragedy can pull you back into believing what was important in the first place.

Evan Rachel Woods is in it, despite my admiration for her having faltered after Marilyn Manson dumped Dita Von Teese for someone more than half his age (yes, i'm pro-DVT), Woods is still a fabulous actress, her works are excellent, i think she has that ability to portray unspoken emotions & thoughts excellently.

best part is how its a MUSICAL, something a la Moulin Rouge, only that most songs from The Beatles are used, how rad is that gonna be.

I WANT/HAVE TO WATCH THIS, i bet its gonna be the ultimate tear-jerker & i can see myself getting the dvd & replaying it over and over till i can regurgitate every line said by every character and start the waterworks all over again.

MY kind of movie, anyone interested to join? :)

and Vivien's back! :D i can totally see how awesome this school break's gonna be, what with (scattered & unconfirmed) plans all over the place, working, studying, and lotsa catching up.

i am supposed to be contributing more to the stats project & make sure everything's dippity-do to hand up tomorrow, why am i digressing here.

people online are amusing me, how i love them so for doing that.

<3.

not falling apart.

2007-06-07T14:50:00.000+08:00

i hate conflicts, i really do, i'm usually the mediator in every relationship i have with a group of people. but sometimes it feels like i've had it up to the highest peak it can ever get to, that if i don't strangle the next person to come in my way, i'll just commit misery-suicide.

all i need is a little cooperation, is that too much? i'm not a perfectionist, I'VE WORKED WITH THEM BEFORE and it sucks to the core cos their expectations are just too high & it makes me feel useless in the end so i refrain from being as close to a perfectionist as possible.

i didn't ask for much really. not then, not now. i did my part, enough said, so are you telling me i have to sacrifice my sleep AGAIN to do your share of the job too?

i'm not being a bitch here, & i'm sorry if you feel offended or whatsoever, but EVERYONE has their certain level of tolerance that triggers them to blow up. i have NOT blown up yet but am so close to doing so, thank god for the two week break from school, i think WE ALL REALLY NEED IT.

and to add to the mayhem of this morning, i screwed my speech up & left out a huge important part out & jumped straight to the conclusion cos i only had one minute left, & to express out both that paragraph and my conclusion would just cut me off entirely & my speech would be pointless.

opportunity cost, you know.

fine, whatever. i have a headache anyway.

I WANT GELARE WAFFLES.

happy seventeenth Rae darling, stay as gorgeous as always, <3.

xx.

21 more days, Paris.

2007-06-06T23:35:00.000+08:00

i promised myself that i'd only blog once i'm done with my speech outliner, my speech practicing & my speech powerpoint, so guess what?
I'M DONE WITH ALL PREPARATIONS, how rad is that, CLAP FOR ME NOW because it means that my mind's at a higher level of peace than it was this morning, aside from the jittery bouncing nerves i'll be having until about 10am tomorrow. :)

you guys should try the Asian Tofu salad at The Soup Spoon, if you don't really fancy anything soupy, but you still want something light that's worth your $6.50. i don't make it a point to eat at TSS; personally, having a hearty meal & laughing with friends at a place where the chef got murdered isn't something i'd call very enticing. or respectful for that matter.

though if you love salads, try this one, it's got oranges & pears & almonds & the much-promised huge amount of tofu & whatnots in there, that'll make you full halfway through. i couldn't even finish it.

i know i should stop eating so much, or too little but at the weirdest times. the whole thinspiration idea is getting back into my head again, thanks to the shitload of research i've been doing for the past 2 weeks for my speech tomorrow, though i'm trying not to put up any thinspired posts here like my previous blog. bad karma & all that jazz.

speech is tomorrow, i was anticipating this day with such hunger but now that hunger has waned after witnessing the superb speeches my classmates did just now, kudos to you guys! :D
i still want to blow the pants off Ms Ann though so she won't be so sarcastic anymore.

(this one's abit old, back in 2003 when he was still with DVT)

i really think he's a talented man, with much depth. just that no one sees that; all they see is Satan "in the flesh" when in the end he's just another you & me, but i think people are meant to make mistakes anyway.

still, Manson is the sex, someone get me his new album please please please.

lunch today was LOVELY, even though we see most of each other only once a week, you guys are <3.

p/s Priya's back from seeing the Queen, & she brought me back stuff, whoots! :D

xxx.

ouch?

2007-06-05T17:50:00.000+08:00

okay as ~~we all~~ most of us know, Paris Hilton officially turned herself in after the live telecast of the MTV Movie Awards last night, after setting off controversies of her finding herself & solace in the comfort of books, the Bible, & such.

i admit it was her fault, no one should get off the hook for irresponsibly not being sober while driving, you can seriously kill someone & imagine if Paris did, i think the whole world would just turn over.

but people should really give her a break; she did a crime, & at least she's doing her time for it, just like any other normal person would. even though she's an heiress & all, but still. i thought the joke made on her by Sarah Silverman at the MAAs was abit uncalled for;

(hurry watch this before Youtube takes it down again)

i love Sarah Silverman cos her comedy acts are subtle & classic, and they're the kinds that you will get after two seconds of it being delivered, albeit how incredibly slow my brain can function. i even laughed a bit, but come to think of it, it's kinda cruel/humiliating for Paris, afterall its on international TV.

& did you see how restrained Paris looked, trying to hold herself back from shooting obscenities & vulgarities at Sarah Silverman? man, i'd hate to be her at that point, especially since even Jack Nicholson was roaring his head off.

oh well, i'm still pro-Paris, & i hope she clears up her act when she gets out from doing her time, & go back to being the party girl who's last name is more significant than her different careers, cos i loved her that way.

& I WANT SIMPLE LIFE TO COME BACK.

22 more days, Paris!

maybe now, i won't be the only one trying to make the effort.

time do wrap up my speech. :)

<3.

hello, good morning, how do you do?

2007-06-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

today was pretty & bittersweet all at once, the kind of sensation you get when nursing a tall hot latte, & burning your tongue because you consumed it too fast, then realising that you want more of it because it's just oh-too-good :)
despite last night, today was a 'thin' day, so i was pretty happy about that; sorry to sound incredibly bimbotic/shallow but i'm sure you have days like these too oui? though i noticed & think that i'm growing a bit taller, but if i'm shooting in any other direction besides sideways, i'm pretty cool with that. haha.

my player was on shuffle just now & i'm usually the kind who'd switch songs faster than the time it takes for me to think twice, but my hands were full today so i just let it run; the recording of Sharatul singing "Zombie" during Carnival Day '06 came on, how heavenly was that to have as closure for today?

brought back goosebumps & an overwhelm of memories of 4e8, & just us, having the usual good time & being anywhere else but at home studying; how slacked were the seven of us eh, :)

and though i do agree with what she says,

"We know that American Idol is not only about talent... we know that there's intangibles, we know that there's other elements about who does & doesn't get voted off,"

STILL, i wish i could punch her bony ribs off her, what a superficial blonde, "she clearly has extra weight on her?" are you blind? i think Jordin's perfect, she's got talents & looks at such a young age, and all MeMe has is her platinum blonde hair, her "crystal ball" & plastic-rimmed glasses, which i think are fake anyway.

but hey, this is reality & it bites. a perfect example for my speech, that being 'normal' is not normal unless someone else makes you out to be what everyone wants you to be.

oh nuts, i realised i have an ICA for Oral Comm. this wednesday, & its seven chapters at one go and so far i've only read one crummy chapter, so looks like tonight & tomorrow night're gonna be nights of intense reading.

sigh i'm stretched for time again, i'm already looking forward to the holidays.

xxx.

can i just pretend that absolutely nothing happened?

2007-06-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

two can play that same game, honey.

hi, i'm eyeing a dress at $48,

am i going to receive any contributions from any kind hearted soul who'd love to see me happy, out there? :)

there was a prettier red one & i loved the material, & the feel of it. the picture doesn't do the dress justice or maybe i'm just delusional but Nuraini agreed with me so, can't wait for my pay now. :)

sacrificed that extra hour of sleep to do opening shift today, just to be caught in the rush hour of GSS, like who the hell is up & about at bloody 10 freakin' AM on a Sunday, especially at Orchard.

opening shift with Neriah was fun, i learnt alot from her regarding both personal & work related issues, & she confessed to giving real mean blowjobs, hoho!
watched White Oleander while working, incredibly beautiful movie.
Kumar, Kak Fira, Kak Liz & Rocky swung by Monkeys today, it was gorgeous to see them again after a whole month plus!
i found out that if you confess yourself to being gay during NS, you won't be granted to buy a house until much much later in life, how anal/discriminatory is our ~~damn~~ government.

i just hate being cashier though, counting money at the start & end of your shift, the money float & petty cash & all that jazz, and taking all the blame if you come up short even though you don't know how the fuck that happened.
i came so close to actually hating money, that's how frustrating it was.

yeah okay so after work i went to meet Iskandar for awhile :) but i came home really upset, nothing to do with him, and even if i told anyone why, they wouldn't get it from my point of view so why bother trying.

just try to live your life happy anyway, & don't give a flying fuck about other people who are lying to you through their teeth or bitching about you to themselves.

i'm kinda dreading tomorrow, how depressing is that thought really. today marks the first day in 7 weeks that i'm not looking forward to school, the only thing pushing me on being my monday morning train ride. that's all.

i feel like exploring the NTUC at AMK Hub. & go crazy cold at the frozen foods section.
any takers?

<3.

p/s. i need my bitches now, really really really.

i don't think you'd read this, but

2007-06-02T23:53:00.000+08:00

i cried last night for you, because you're hurting more than you're letting on, and i don't understand enough to hurt with you, and that i'd promised that if you hurt, i'd hurt with you too.

so make me understand, goddamnit.
because i can't just stand back & look at you, and pretend not to see what you're hiding.

it's me always, remember? <3

i like big butts, and i cannot lie

2007-06-02T15:32:00.000+08:00

i know, i'm supposed to be working. but there's free wireless provided & i'd brought my laptop with the intentions to do my speech after work (HAH, wishful thinking) and yeah. it's free, how rad is that :D

although if Gwen knows i'm doing this she'll probably kill me, thank God both Harold & Kak Aini are on holidays though, i envy tonight's shift, they have close to total freedom.

MTV plays nice songs from 12pm-2pm, those retro 90s pop songs that get you back groovin' & singing along to lame shit that people only sing nowadays when they pick to do the dare during 'truth or dare'.

like, when was the last time you'd heard "Asereje, ja deje dejebe tude jebere
sebiunouba majabi an de bugui an de buididipi" by the Las Ketchup girls, and you actually felt like dancing along to it?

there were no customers, by the way. haha.

i like working day shift :) & Harold put me on schedule to open for next Saturday, and gave me Sunday off, how rad is that?

i'm in need of a girlfriends ONLY outing, real soon.
xxx.

hello, stranger?

2007-06-02T00:28:00.000+08:00

you try to keep something within reach, but it slowly pulls out of your grasp until you can reach it no longer, till you're left grappling at the thin air of what's become.

why is it that people say "change is good"? cos i really think its otherwise.

then again, the choices and decisions you make in your life are entirely up to you, and if you're happy with what you've done so far, i'll just be here to support you all the way, always. <3

things are changing, beyond my control. left me rather amused but disturbed nonetheless that i was just holding back and doing nothing to stop anything.
i needed a change, something of which i had control over. i needed to revamp something. and then i thought of this space. :)

i'm still not done with my speech, procrastinating again what can i say. instead i chose to add to my headache doing html, something i haven't touched in months.
very rusty at it, though with the help of IT Web classes (hoho, so its not so useless!) i understand more of the codes, etc but abit left is still yet to be done with this template, will get down to it soon.

i need sleep, i have work tomorrow. gah.

xxx.

HS0703. <3

2007-05-31T23:36:00.000+08:00

finally, those darn overdue pictures.

Kelvin & Pris

YX, Puma & Aishah :D

i'm not sure who took this
but i like my hair in it, hahaha :)

plus Espall & Eugene! :)

& Jermaine!
i think they're really sweet guys, like.. really.
just that Jermaine's a tad too shy than he should be haha :)
(and Kelvin does not have a belly, its just a very unflattering picture)

JiunChyi!
our favourite Ah Lian, hahaha.

singing, i think.
we made it rain again, slightly haha; oops.

Pris, Eugene, YX, me, Fel, Espall, Jasmine, Xiang Ting & Jiayi

along with Yen-Ru & Wan,
before he had to leave.

Yen Ru, Bev, Jiayi & Peishi

they were attempting to jump, i think...

.. but didn't quite make the shot, except Peishi. haha.

we squeezed in time to make posters for Josephine's dance performance the next day;
which btw, i heard was tres chaud. :)

her name, in Chinese

St. Happy & me being extra, :D

Aloysius can be much of a sweetheart,
if he wasn't bent on annoying me most of the time, HAHAHA
(he wore his Gabrielite shirt to school one day, =x )
& i know his secret that no one else does! :D

Yaowei! :)
i honestly think he's that sometimes he's hot,
especially when outta the blue, he turns all SHY, haha.

the last batch of barbequed food

okay, DONE. :)

i finally got my full research for my speech done, so i can get down to writing the whole thing & getting it done by this weekend hopefully SO IT CAN STOP CONSUMING PRECIOUS OF MY LIFE ALREADY.

GSS is on, everyone's rushing to grab the cheapest and best thing they can get their hands on, and Forever 21's sale was a crazy one too, making me a very happy macha yesterday. :)
Pazzion's selling their shoes off really cheaply now, up to 70% off and GUESS WHAT, the sexy velvet maroon shoes i wanted to buy for prom but didn't are going for 30% off (!!), so are you kind enough to buy for me or do i have to buy it myself?

haha doesn't matter, i know my impulsive self is gonna grab it someday soon anyway. :)

i'm very happy to be starting work soon, so something else will occupy me and i won't be such a bum, wasting money endlessly.

and some random girl from NYP working at Zara made yesterday abit prettier too; gotta start remembering faces now, eh.

pictures from yesterday's shopping, up on a later post. i'm gonna sleep & wake up early to mug more for Micro Econs, how sad is that really.

anyway today was good, in the sense that for a short while, we all got to take a break from school for a bit, and forget about the bitchiness parts of it have turned out to be.

yay it's midnight on the dot; goodnight lovelies,
LET'S ORDER DUNKIN' DONUTS & SINFULLY INDULGE ONE DAY.
xx.

wednesday morning.

2007-05-30T00:04:00.000+08:00

maybe this will take you out of your moodswing too;

now that's what i call happiness.

i'll give you a scenario,

the stranger becomes a friend,
the friend becomes a stranger.

oh wait, maybe that'd already happened, just that i missed the process of how it began.

i don't really know & i'd really rather not.
x.

of school, and stars.

2007-05-29T20:25:00.000+08:00

i really thought i'd failed this one, seeming how after the paper everyone came up to me & started spouting their answers which seemed lightyears different away from mine, when afterall the five marks i lost was due to a very careless mistake that carried to the second part so poof, bye-bye five marks.

Stats ICA was rather.. uhmm, while Micro Econs is this Friday & i'm praying its about the same standard as Accounts or Stats, but now that Tyng mentioned it's abit harder, i better study more more more. :)

one of my greatest fears became reality today: being on the escalator, doesn't matter going up or down, and having the damn thing just freeze and malfunction on the way down/up.
seriously, i always thought that if that'd to ever happen i'd get thrown off the escalator and end up paralysed, or semi.

which i didn't, but my knees buckled & i couldn't move for a good one minute which is very long when you realise that people on the escalator next to you going in the opposite direction, just won't quit staring.

even the old aunty behind me recovered from her shock faster than i did.

my next biggest fear would be crash landing into the sea from a plane because the plane would break down halfway on its flight. or that when i'm sitting at a window-seat next to the engine, the whole thing would just burst out in flames and burn me alive, all because a damned bird flew into the spinning propellers.

and can you believe three of my nails were stripped of their nail polish today, THREE NAILS OKAY, how traumatising and i don't even know how the nail polish layer cleanly came off.

i'm not a bimbo, it just distracts me from doing Accounts proper when i can't help but stare at three naked nails out of the other seven painted ones, when typing my cost flow assumptions on Excel today.

i still have yet to upload the gazillion pictures from the barbeque which are taking a shitload of space in my thumbdrive. :(
and i need to get on with my speech, like ASAP, like NOW.

"it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world."

happy seventeenth Suleiman, you're somewhat the best guy friend a girl can ever ask for, & i love you. <3

xx.

a simple kind of lovely.

2007-05-28T12:23:00.001+08:00

YX, Espall & Puma. :)

(Espall, i love your pretty nose.)

Leaning on a tree trunk
thinking all the same junk
falling in and out of a dream
back and forth I'm swaying
i'm contemplating staying
Laying and decaying
when I know I must leave
where do I aim when I shoot the breeze?
how do I calm myself at times like these?

Adam Levine's voice is the sound of pure sex, through & through. i'm not quite adjusting to their new sound which comes off to me as a little more retro, i think.
thanks Shameen, i love ripping your albums :)

& ah, guess what! i found Hwee Wen at the library today, she's doing Mechatronics at NYP.
another lost classmate, found.
why do i get the feeling that those who crave to run away, come to NYP? haha.

NRL-HAPPY, the way of life. :D
"just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming..."

I need a simple kind of lovely,
and the thought is just a novelty.

eh i should pay attention in POM now.
muchos of grande-sized love, lovelies.
<3.

2007-05-28T00:58:00.000+08:00

it strikes me as funny, how we tend to be something other than ourselves, how we tend to laugh and smile and cry differently when around certain others,

all because we think that they won't like us for who we truly are.

& i'm not going for Vaunt II.
the funnier part of it is that Ryan's even more upset than i am, that i'm not going.

haha, how bittersweet was today. :)

it's 1am, my class starts at 9am tomorrow and i need to be up by 7am latest.

goodnight lovelies, take me out for a nice sweet girly movie soon.
xx.

don't you try to rain on my Perfect Day.

2007-05-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

it was one of those pretty, perfect days of mine that come by only once in a blue moon, that even though my belt tore after being stuck to the button of my back jeans pocket, i was still singing the words to 'Perfect Day' in my head.

plus, i finished mugging for the Econs ICA this week! :D

so all i've got left is Stats to do, and that darn POM tutorial i've been leaving for the last minute, how totally rad is that aye.

i am proud to admit that
Winnie The Pooh was my first ever teddy bear,
that i used to drag him around with me everywhere i went, even overseas,
& i still have him sitting on a shelf in my bedroom :)

i tried to take advantage of my last weekend of freedom to the maximum, as much as possible, considering how i'd be back cleaning tables & taking orders from next weekend onwards.
and Harold's already thinking of putting me as a permanent but i haven't agreed to anything just yet, i just replied with a vague "ummmm."

besides, i'm not sure if the folks even know if i'm starting work again. & i don't know what sort of reaction to expect from daddy dearest, whether he'll blow his head through the roof or burst in paroxysms of delight on the floor.

he worries too much for me sometimes, that i worry for him in the end. really.

and did i mention they're coming back on the 8th of June?
yeah, they're coming back on the 8th of June.
3 days before my two week break. which indirectly means..

i'll virtually have no freedom during my supposed two weeks of it. :(

no matter, today was near perfect, and i wouldn't trade that familiar sense of comfort and love while being around some of my favourite people in the world for anything else,

because our chemistry blows even Miss Lui, away eh.

p/s and Priya, i'm definitely sending you off on Monday night, even if it means bloating myself up with coffee the remainder of the night so as not to oversleep for class the next morning.

see how much i love you. HAHAHA :)

lights out, gorgeous bitches!
xx.

written apology.

2007-05-26T13:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think i'm scared of what you'll think of me
or what you already think of me
and what you'll say to me
and that after all this, you'll hate me.

sometimes i think i'm scared of you, too.
(i just don't admit it.)

don't forget that one minute of anger, denies you sixty seconds of happiness.

i'm sorry i stole away your precious sixty seconds.
you may not believe me, but i really am sorry.

truce?

<3.

inadequate for you, maybe.

2007-05-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

truth or dare
crazy dancing
barbequed food galore
running to & from the waves
all of us having random scream sessions
delving into deep thoughts & deep conversations
lying down, underneath the dark blanket of stars & the half moon;

today was a blast, getting to know the people you see almost everyday in depth, & not just off the surface.

its amazing how your stereotypes of one person can just vanish infront of you, when you actually talk to them on a very deep level.

note to self; never ever stereotype a person too easily ever again.

yes, HS0703 is just great love. <3

it's one thing when you realise that you've found people you hope you can actually call a real 'friend', instead of a shallow platonic one;
but it's a great thing too, when you realise how those who you didn't think knew you that well to unmask you, are actually able to separate the real you from the fake smiles, even when they themselves are feeling like shit.

:)

OH, & JUST FOR LAUGHS AGAIN, COS I KNOW YOU LOVE HER SO,

i present to you..

The Maryam Show, parts 2 & 3! :D

Part 2:

Part 3:

YAY, NOW I LOOK FORWARD TO SCHOOL AGAIN, EVEN IF THERE'S A SHIT STATS CA ON TUESDAY.

i'm enjoying school now much more than ever cos there're such lovely people to meet; classmates, freshies, & others. and OH, Nissa. hahaha.:)

[EDIT]
OHMYGAWD, FAHRURAZI I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU QUIT AT MONKEYS YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH you're leaving me to bear with certain people ALONE, asshole.

i don't care, you owe me hotcakes. AGAIN.

& we should sit down & talk proper again, so i can slap you & you can have your "seizure" & i can sit back & laugh. :D
[/EDIT]

p/s. the 743895736 pictures will be uploaded on a later post, my bed's putting on its sweetest voice to call me to it.

xx.

lay me down on a bed of roses.

2007-05-25T10:28:00.000+08:00

coming home yesterday night felt somewhat like a culture shock to me, i realised i had nothing important which i had to ASAP, & all i needed to do was sleep cos my bed was beckoning me even though it was only 11pm.

probably was the first time in the longest while where i managed to fall asleep the minute i closed my eyes, & i slept a lovely 11 hours and now i'm all refreshed & dippity-doo after my morning apple. :)

i'd thought that by being so stretched out for time, i wouldn't even have the slightest inch of a minute to get other things done except for school work, but somehow i managed to squeeze in two novels;

Mercy by Jodi Picoult, &

Don't Tell Mummy by Toni Maguire.

& a play somewhere around there; i feel so accomplished being able to balance school, social & personal lives at one go.

went for late lunch/early dinner with Nissa, Naddie, Shameen & Mdm Lenny at Parkway's Banquet yesterday! great catching up with one another:D

she's still one of my favourite teachers (other than Ms Lui, HAHA) since sec 2, i guess cos she was our FM & all. though she turned to be quite a bitch starting from late sec 3 till mid sec 4, till she realised she could no longer touch us or do anything about what she called our "rebellious" behaviour.
but i still love her anyway, she's still our teddy bear. haha.

though Mdm L seemed so stressed out yesterday, i thought she was a tad too quiet though i'm not sure the others realised it, must've been all the shit from being the school's new DM now aye.

not that i think is much of an issue, considering all i see in our TKGS juniors now are "GEEKS UNITED!" or some sort, judging from the prim & proper uniform, shoes, socks etc.

Mdm Lenny was right in saying that we don't appreciate what the school does for us while we are there, but only after we've left the school. which i can't argue with; i thought the school was pretty much full of shit especially during the last year.

last night was also the performance of Midsummer Night's Dream by TJC's Drama Club & the only reason i went was cos my lovely Farah & Lubna were performing, and those two are really worth it to watch, they really blow you away. they've got the skills, definitely.

Yasmin, Dharsh, Saachi & Hal are going on Saturday, so didn't see many familiar faces except for a few random ex-TKGians, whose names i don't know.

i thought the set was pretty well done, though it was panas & bahang (or however you call it), but it added to the atmosphere & setting being in a forest so i guess that was a good innovation of some sort.

i didn't get some parts of the play though, not because my memory of Shakespeare & practicing for some scenes for a Sec 2 project failed me, but it was the way they portrayed & played it.
& the way some characters spoke their lines.
which totally lost me.

i thought that the subplot in which Maryam played was quite well done, though i didn't get its relevance to the play at all initally.
but Maryam's, well.. Maryam, & she was superb yesterday, like in all productions i've watched her in. :)

Lubna was SEXY! haha, she always plays the guy. just like in the Cabaret production in '04, but hey, she portrays an extremely hot guy so no matter.
plus, she delivered her lines really well, & had no qualms of acting all lustful after two girls. duperly sexy.

Farah Bee was just GORGEOUS & duperly stunning;

(sorry for the unclear pic)

& she had such fabulous chemistry going on with the guy who played Lysander, while she played Hermia. you could feel the urge we knew they had to kiss, but they didn't anyway for obvious reasons which was sad considering how SHE WOULD'VE LOVED TO eh :D

i realised how much i'd missed Farah, even though we drifted so much during the course of the last year in TKGS, but she was always my happy girlfriend, together with Mumz, & we'd be bitching away during our rare random sheesha & late night sessions.
she'd always be there to give you a tight hug (even though she ends up molesting you in certain ways, HAHA) but that's the Farah i've known & loved since we came to school on the first day and were new students in a class so unknown to us.

can't wait for Mumz to come back & we can all go for venti cappucinnos & just, bitch.

i think she's able to go very very far. she's got the looks and much of the brains, i'm tres proud of her. :)

OH OH, & yes, hot & sweaty even when after something other than a sexual session DOES appeal to me, especially if its in the form of Oberon;

his piercings & tattoos were simply ooh-la-la.
& we got a pic with him,

(please excuse how ugly & sweaty i was, & concentrate on HIM, haha)

though the four of us kept on trying to hold ourselves from bursting out in loud laughter, whenever his scenes were played, eh Nissa? haha.

he was such a sport even though he probably thought we were weird, and took off his shirt for us. after which his drama teacher told him to stop being such a slut.

that's pretty much it, i guess i can consider the closure for this week to be pretty good, plus the fact that i'm going for the class barbeque later, and meeting the usual girlfriends tomorrow after what seems like the longest time, for a bitching session.

haha, bitch bitch bitch bitch. tsk.
we should all be nice for a day & go watch Priceless or The Partition instead.

Sexy really wants to go JB though, and i feel kinda bad cos he was so excited about this, and the beach thing which got cancelled altogether, so now i wonder if we should all get together & go.

or maybe we can just drag Tyng down to Singapore.

& Liz is deciding whether to join the New Paper's New Face contest.
i honestly think she has a very high chance of winning.

OH, & presenting Maryam Mokhtar in her very own The Maryam Show!

she's such a classic, man. all natural. hahaha.
parts 2 & 3 will be posted on another day cos i just realised that

i'm late to pick the guys up from Paya Lebar.

muchos LOVE!
xx.

4 in the morning.

2007-05-23T21:51:00.000+08:00

the song's lovely & Gwen Stefani's just simply gorgeous in it :)
reminds of songs she did while still with No Doubt, how nostalgic.

yerp, wasn't having the best day since being in NYP ever & i try to refrain from bitching to avoid conflict as much as possible but sometimes too much will tip even probably Winnie Lie over, so i guess i had the right to blow all my frustrations & be a goddamned bitch, although only Aishah will know who's who & what's what eh. sshh. :)

i feel like dying my hair bright red or electric pink & get an industrial piercing as well as my tongue, and not give a flying fck if someone slaps me and calls me a slut, cos hey not even you believe in me now so who do i have left i don't really know, i guess it's better that way then.

& I LOVE YOU GUYS, you know who you are i don't need to mention names
but in case you're daft,
i do mean YOU. the one reading this now.
cos at least you're listening to what i have to say. even when i don't actually say it? haha.

x.

will today just get over its fucking self already.

2007-05-23T11:37:00.000+08:00

i am in a fragile state of mind both physically and mentally, whereby if you dare to even aggravate me or tread on the wrong nerve, i WILL with no doubt, bite you. really hard. till you cry out in pain. and call me crazy. but i won't care, cos at least SOMETHING from today would bring me an ounce of satisfaction.
especially if you're a bitch who's dying to rub your fucking marks in my face and smirk your ass off, don't deny it cos i know you want to.

go on, make my day will you.

i want today to end well. please. please please please. NOW NOW NOW.
cos i just really feel like crying already.
& i don't ~~like~~ want to do that.

cos all i wanna say is "fuck."

2007-05-23T01:50:00.000+08:00

projects,
ICAs,
tutorials,
bills bills bills (they never fucking end do they),
irregular moodswings,
running out of patience which has already been worn too fucking thin,
crave for sleep,
in dire need of time.

help?

Ahh, i made a very logical/reasonable conclusion today,

2007-05-21T20:39:00.000+08:00

that pretty gorgeous girls get the nicest & loveliest boyfriends.

what an incredibly good reason to be jealous since it doesn't usually add up, but i've been seeing it more & more everyday and i guess it's a good thing?

it's been barely two months into the semester & already the school work's consuming the best of us. or me, since i think everyone else is studying much harder & coping better with the workload than i am.
i hate being such a slacker, i need motivation!

though i've been enjoying school a wee bit more, i think. the people are lovely, even though some people weird me out or bitch behind my back, i feel at home most of the time.
& i love how i'm not confined to only my classmates, so at least i get in touch with the whats-ups in other parts of the school as well, with hi-bye friends & such.

& Haizam, you owe me a lunch date! for your sake, my schedule is:
Monday: 9am - 3pm; break @ 11am - 1pm
Tuesday: 8am - 1pm
(Wednesday's lunch is off limits though eh :D)
Thursday: 8am - 4pm; break @ 11am - 12pm
Friday: 2pm - 4pm

although my studying days are most probably gonna be Tuesday & Friday, which leaves me with Mondays, so you'd better be free. & don't pick the South Canteen.

Accounting's ICA today was rather manageable, just that as usual i was careless & didn't include 'utilities payable' into my expenses which totally disrupts my profit & loss statement, which means out of the 7 marks, i have a good chance of getting less than 5.

& it sucks even more that i've not done my Accounting & Biz stats tutorial due tomorrow so why am i digressing online i'm not so sure, but i shall get my ass down to work real quick. :D

met Lebin today, it felt like ages since i've seen him. Darren Tan, too.
& Tyng, Liz, Regan, Ching, Zack & Joel.
it's amusing/weird at the same time to realise that you miss the people you see almost everyday.

i'm off to LIFO, FIFO & WAC! (HAHA, inside joke)
& ah, ~~stupid~~ wonderful probability distributions.

x.

p/s i miss my TKGS babes as well, i need a dosage of you guys right now.

someone shoot me, now.

2007-05-20T21:36:00.001+08:00

FINALLY, all those hormonal pills and pineapple slices took a toll on me & i got it today! haha okay let's be crude for a moment - i finally got my period. :D for all the world to know, eh. HAHA.
ecstatic, excited, relieved... pretty much those kinda positive feelings you get when you get back your test results & u didn't fail; pretty much the same feelings.

then the cramps hit.

OH MY, NEVER HAVE I FELT SUCH SEARING PAIN.
let me reinforce the fact that this hasn't happened for six months straight, so its a bit like being a virgin at it. i wanted to die today cos i felt so drained, my stomach was just killing me and all my other parts of my body. i felt sick, i couldn't eat proper, and i threw up, which is a stern reminder never to eat beef ramen when your body isn't really feeling so good. ramen isn't that good anyway, i prefer udon.

plus, i was feeling cold.

so, i took a nap. a very long one. very very long one.

which means that since its now 9.44pm, i have about 9 hours left to waking up for school, which means i have about 3-4 hours to study for accounting again.

i'm thinking if i should just skip the whole of tomorrow & come for the ICA, & for chicken rice after school. hmmm?

oh yeah, about my haircut.

people say there's not much difference. but there IS, i swear. just that you're blind okay, especially Iskandar. :)

i can't believe mummy accidentally threw out my straightener, especially when i really really need it right now.

i should get going. accounting accounting accounting.
i mean, if Ryan is studying & i'm not, there's something very wrong with this picture.

cheers lovelies,
x.

undecided.

2007-05-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

because you take me by surprise, always;
because it was perfect, almost;

because you told me that i was, perfect.

so where the hell is this guilt coming from?

excuse my moment of insecurity, please.

2007-05-19T14:45:00.000+08:00

please, don't read this if you're just gonna look at me in a different light, try to argue with my stand of point, because we all have moments like these so maybe i can have a little leeway for mine, just this once?

i'm not sure why i still get the twists & knots in my stomach when i see something that i want/want to be, but can't have/can't be. jealousy? envy? intimidation? i don't know. but it worries me, that i'm so affected by such a trivial matter cos i know that in the end, it controls me in more ways than just one.

i had my haircut today, & most people who know me would know how much my heart just breaks if i see an outcome that i have to get used to, that i don't think is all that, that i'm satisfied with only to a certain extent. because i feel it's is not me. it's like when you strip me down naked & all i've got left are my hands to cover up my modesty, myself. that i have nothing to hide beneath, to cover my flaws and fear of being ugly.

i'm not totally unhappy with my haircut, just needs some getting used to, is all. after which, i went with Nuraini to get her makeup at MAC.

nothing got better though, cos while Nuraini was browsing through the array of eyeshadows, i got distracted by two girls who were getting their makeup done professionally.
thing is, to me, they weren't just any other normal average girls you find on the street. they were catwalk material, what to me is perfection. tall, thin, with fine structured faces & flawless features that assured them of beauty with or without makeup.

i couldn't help but stare. & at the same time, want to be what/who they were.

i guess they were preparing for some show after this, because two more model material girls arrived, the epitome of what i call perfect runway model examples.
again, the structured faces. again, the body. again, the beauty.

i felt so small & so ugly at that point, & walking past a mirror just made it even worse. i saw how flawed i was, how imperfect, how i wasn't like them. and i was silently begging Nuraini to hurry the fuck up & get her stuff already, but she moved to the brushes section, which was even nearer to the models.

i was craving to run out, to the point of desperation. i needed to surround myself with the 'normal' category of people, perhaps a selfish need for security.

i'm sure you'd understand how one would feel in this situation, when you feel the pressure and the need to be what has come to be socially accepted, what you aren't and what you want/need to be. unless of course, you're perfectly fine with yourself, i salute you for being so indifferent.

it's ironic, what topic i'm researching for my speech, when put in this position. i'm supposed to be of recovering, & not finding excuses to be like them again. i thought that maybe by putting myself in an environment of a poly where i once thought people were accepted for who they were would help, alot. where you are accepted for who you are, and not for your physical form.

but i guess i attract people with the same mentality of me. people who are constantly talking about diets, scrutinising others as a form of self security, disatisfaction with themselves & such. which doesn't make it any easier for any one of us, because if you hadn't realised it yet, we're all slowly killing each other with our insecurities.

i still get recurring thoughts & temptations. and so far, i haven't succumbed to any of it, but at the rate my mind's fucking with itself, i wouldn't be surprised if it happens again soon.

people who don't know me that well won't really know what goes through my mind a million times a day up until now, i guess. and truthfully, i don't give a flying fuck if you don't like it. cos i don't like it either. so i guess to that extent, we're all on the same page.

i'm saying this from a different perspective now, but i guess it still means the same thing;
stay strong loves.
x.

tyng was hot today, don't you think?

2007-05-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

THERE, i've said it! hahaha, told you i'd do it.
but she was, eh. :D

don't you wish you could just splat yourself anywhere & fall asleep in any position, like nobody's business?
but still very sexy eh. HAHA.

i haven't been going online much except to research for my speech which i'm determined to ace and blow the fuck outta Ms Ann's mind with it cos it's just gonna be so damn uber.. mind blowing.
thought provoking.
whatever.
i just really hope it'll turn out that way & not crash land like my previous attempt at resurfacing my confidence for public speaking.

oh, i almost lost my laptop yesterday, i almost died. it only hit me full force like, 5 minutes after i realised i didn't have it, which was while i was at Parkway with Nissa & i just crumbled literally to the floor & broke down. haha, what a mess.
but so many things were fucking with my mind, thinking of the consequences alone just ripped me apart, and i didn't care if everyone who walked past were staring at me.

i made Nissa panic too while she tried to keep me from panicking so much; we started calling so many people for SBS numbers, etc. i was sure i was a goner when she suddenly realised/her friend on the phone told her that the bus 76 LOOPS, WHICH MEANS IT'LL PASS BY PARKWAY AGAIN!

we ran to the bus stop, & i prayed & prayed that the bus hadn't passed.

it hadn't, and when it came, i flew up to the top deck & thank the Lord my dear lappie was still on the same seat, albeit the many people around it. i guess they were good people, not giving in to evil temptations eh. :)

yay Nissa, thanks so much for keeping my thoughts rational. <3

so i guess yesterday was my lucky day, to say the least.
except maybe i passed my somewhat ongoing sorta-bad luck to Iskandar cos he fell sick with high fever last night. :(

today was rather blank, except that i caught up FULLY on the accounting concepts etc, & my confidence for the ICA on monday isn't so shaky anymore. which is good. but i have to practice more. i plan to turn into a full-fledged geek & you can't stop me, especially if i have friends who are so bent on getting a good GPA as well.

ended the day with shaved ice desserts at AMK Hub, which was rather pricey but good also so i guess it wasn't that bad? right after my satisfied craving for Subway, & much laughter & hilarious random moments with Aloysius, YX, Puma & Aishah, till late.

HAHA, no he isn't gay. he just acts like it.

they're really great people i tell you, keep reminding me to never judge a book by its cover. :)

oh, i finally realised a few days back why i hadn't gotten my period.
which means, that it would make perfect logic if it comes by the end of this month, for it's been about a month now, & it'd BETTER come, else i'd have to be "investigated", which i don't think will be very nice.

i'd feel very violated.

besides, all those pineapples i've been eating, & hearing Yao Wei complaining how much i'm eating pineapples aren't worth nothing.

i'm gonna go wake Nuraini up now so she can do her critical commentary.
we're both loaded with work, i think everytime either one of us sees the other, the other is sleeping.

& it's cold, i hope i don't fall sick tonight.
else tomorrow wouldn't happen.

I'M GETTING A HAIRCUT!

i've been having fat days, give me a better day really soon, pretty please.

muchos of grande-sized love, x.

got this off Sharatul's blog;

2007-05-16T09:05:00.000+08:00

met pra and nrl aft school on thursday. (:
i realised,
i put on a mask sometimes to cover up my feelings at the weirdest times.
like, i knew how much i missed nrl.
pra ive been seeing you quite a bit so dont jealous ahh. haha (x
but somehow,
with hara&joshie there..
hahaha i didnt let myself get all excited&happy when i saw her.
okay this para probably sounds dumb to yall. but i just thought id pen it down.

aww, she's such a sweetheart. thanks, doll.

& i'm seeing farah bee today, yay.

i feel so blessed. do you? :)

ugh, Internet Webbing is so.. useless.
at least she's nice to let me re-take the test that i missed, but that means i have to stay about a half hour longer on Friday.

i'm gonna sleep awhile, then go to Cheers during break and get my green tea.

cheers, loves. x

i'll break your heart-shaped glasses.

2007-05-15T21:22:00.000+08:00

i wish you'd no longer weigh me down with your insecurities, making them mine instead and cursing me to live with the fear of not knowing or not feeling. i want to run far, to nowhere, and not hear your calls for me because by the time you'd notice, i'd have been already long gone.

it's not that i stopped loving you,
i just lost my respect and trust in you.

how can you tell me that everything's simply black & white when there are infinite shades of grey in between?

how can i say that i hate you, without actually using that word?

i changed the song sequence on the player because someone told me it was annoying. HAHA, yes i pause it immediately too when i go on my blog page so no worries there. though it takes a little longer to load.
changed it to Marilyn Manson's new single 'Heart-shaped glasses' from his new album Eat Me, Drink Me.

the video premiere can be found at his official site, click on the picture if you want to;

though please be warned that content is rated R21 - yes, it is REAL sex going on there.

i don't think it's a good single to release the album with though, because he has so much more to offer and this one's just a bit too mellow compared to his previous works, like Antichrist Superstar or Mobscene.

& i don't like Evan Rachel Woods, i much prefer Dita Von Teese. Manson matched better with Dita before, but he probably went slight pedophilic considering ERW is only 19 or 20.
and i think she's just trying to be a clone of DVT.

but if anyone manages to ship it in from the US cos i'm pretty sure the anal censorship board bans it here, tell me & i'll bargain a good one with ya.

or y'know. you can just give it to me as a present.

i feel so at peace with myself, i've done my part for the IT report and so far everything's going well so let's just hope that nothing screws up last minute, i don't want to have another sleepless night anytime in the near future unless it's really important and very worth it.

school's been good too, hey :D

my classmates have got to be the most hardworking people i've ever seen in my life, they spend after school hours in the library studying & doing tutorials & actually bothering to book research/discussion rooms for the correct purposes instead of just being enclosed within four walls making noise. keeps me motivated really, i love finding people who want to study & are willing to, which encourages me to sit my ass down & focus on doing work.

i told you, i want to start on a clean academic slate this time.

i found New Age listeners too! Eugene, someone who barely strikes me at that type considering he hums tunes of Britney & Nsync when he thinks no one's listening; and Aishah, with her all-black-except-sometimes-with-striking-green-shoes ensemble, hardly lets on that she listens to the likes of Lisa Ono & Pink Martini.

i haven't found that familiar warm sense of security being around most of my classmates yet - except a certain few - but i hope/am sure that it'll come round in due time, just like the last time it did and everything turned out alright.

besides, this time round, they're ALL a crazy bunch eh. :)

& THANK YOU SO MUCH to Shameen for lending me Tori Amos' new album! American Doll Posse; it's the shizz, i'm loving it.

i love how crude & honest Tori Amos is with her choice of words for lyric, eg.
"I am a M-I-L-F don't you forget/M-I-L-F don't you forget" from Big Wheel, like who the hell owns up to being a MILF, HAHAHA.

Tori Amos rocks, go go go & get the album.

school was blank today, just that i'm done with about all of my tutorials leaving me with not much to do for the rest of the week, so i'm happy about that :D

a good night's sleep to look forward to,

xx.